Shticks Of One And Half A Dozen Of The Other

She wheels her wheelbarrow
Through streets that are narrow
Her barrow is narrow, her hips are too wide
So wherever she wheels it
The neighborhood feels it
Her girdle keeps scraping the homes on each side
In Dublin's fair city
Where girls are so pretty
My Molly stands out cause she weighs 18 stone
(That's 256 pounds.)
I don't mind her fat ... but
It's not only that—but
She's cockeyed and muscle-bound Molly Malone

I know a man, his name is Lang
And he has a neon sign
And Mister Lang is very old
So they call it Old Lang's Sign

Oh, what have you done, Billie Sol, Billie Sol?
Oh, what have you done, charming Billie?
You took almost every cent
From the U.S. government
Which you spent on fertilizer, which is silly

All day, all night, Cary Grant
That's all I hear from my wife, is Cary Grant
What can he do that I can't?
Big deal, big star, Cary Grant

Oh the moon is bright tonight upon the car wash
So I'm having my Volkswagen washed again
But the way things go with me, the way my luck is
Just as soon as they're finished, it will rain

On top of Old Smokey
All covered with hair
Of course I'm referring
To Smokey the Bear

Every time you take vaccine
Take it orally
As you know the other way
Is more painfully

My grandfather's clock was the best ever made
By the Timex company
Just like the clock John Cameron Swayze displayed
Last night on the old TV

Oh, it works underwater so perfectly
And still makes a ticking sound
Which my grandfather tried only this afternoon
And that's how the old man drowned

Do not make a stingy sandwich
Pile the cold cuts high
Customers should see salami
Coming through the rye

Oh, I diet all day and I diet all night
It's enough to drive me bats
Got no gravy or potatoes
Cause the whole refrigerator's
Fulla polyunsaturated fats

Fare thee well, Metrecal
And the others of that ilk
Let the diet start tomorrow
Cause today I'll drown my sorrow
In a double malted milk

When you go to the delicatessen store
Don't buy the liverwurst
Don't buy the liverwurst
Don't buy the liverwurst
I repeat what I just said before
Don't buy the liverwurst
Don't buy the liverwurst

Oh, buy the corned beef if you must
The pickled herring you can trust
And the lox puts you in orbit A-OK
But that big hunk of liverwurst
Has been there since October first
And today is the twenty-third of May

So when you go to the delicatessen store
Don't buy the liverwurst
Don't buy the liverwurst
Don't buy the liverwurst
It'll make your insides awful sore
Don't buy the liverwurst
Don't buy the liverwurst