Sergei in the Milky Way

[Spoken]
These are the times that try our souls. In the spring of 1991, Cosmonaut third class Sergei Krikalev was launched into orbit by the Soviet Union, a nation that no longer exists. Today the former Soviet republics lack the hard currency and the political unity to bring Sergei back to earth. Citizens, hear me out. This could happen to you!

[Verse 1]
Well let me tell you of the story of a man named Sergei
On a tragic and fateful day
He zipped up his spacesuit, kissed his wife and family
And he headed for the Milky Way

[Chorus]
But did he ever return? No, he never returned
And his fate is still unlearned (What a pity)
He may orbit forever 'round this crazy mixed-up planet
He's the cosmonaut who never returned

[Verse 2]
He was shot into space by the Soviet Union
The land he was proud to call home
After liftoff there was nothing left but fifteen republics
Sergei's trapped in the twilight zone

[Chorus]
But did he ever return? No, he never returned
And his fate is still unlearned (Poor old Sergei)
He may orbit forever 'round this crazy mixed-up planet
He's the cosmonaut who never returned

[Verse 3]
Now Mission Control says "We're saving up our rubles
To send up another man
Just as soon as we can figure out who owns this rocket
Is it Russia or Kazakhstan?"

[Chorus]
But did he ever return? No, he never returned
And his fate is still unlearned (Shame and scandal)
He may orbit forever 'round this crazy mixed-up planet
He's the cosmonaut who never returned

[Verse 4]
Sergei's wife calls him up every Tuesday morning
While he helplessly spins around
She cries, "My little cabbage I would send you up a sandwich
But baloney's forty dollars a pound!"

[Chorus]
But did he ever return? No, he never returned
And his fate is still unlearned (He may ride forever)
He may orbit forever 'round this crazy mixed-up planet
He's the cosmonaut who never returned
Take it Ivan!
That's no balalaika

[Verse 5]
Now you citizens of earth, don't you think it's a scandal
How a fella can be lost in space
Let's bring Sergei home, launch peace and understanding
And we'll save the human race!

[Chorus]
Or else he'll never return, no, he'll never return
And his fate is still unlearned (Just like Paul Revere)
He may orbit forever 'round this crazy mixed-up planet
He's the cosmonaut who never returned
He's the cosmonaut who never returned
He's the cosmonaut who never returned
Et tu Sergei?