Send This to Your Crush With No Context

I remember when I first met you
Your hair was so sweet and soft
I just wanted to cut it off and take it home with me
We had a playdate at the playground with our friend Tim
But he got in the nice man's van where candy was offered to him
And he left with the two of us together

Sexual tensions were so high
Wait, never mind, this was us as children
And now that I think of it
Singing about childhood love as an adult
Is kind of pedophilic
So I'm just going to have to jump ahead a couple years

Ohh
Do you remember when we first kissed?
I was so nervous that I nearly missed, that was a Nickleback refrence
And do you remember the time
Your mom got her hair stuck in the garbage disposal
While washing dishes
So we had no other choice
Than to scalp her with Fisher Price scissors?
And the time you left the stove on
And the cat lit itself on fire and its smoldering corpse
Burned down the rest of the house?
And to cheer you up I went to the store
And I bought you some socks
Then you told me you were cheating on me

So I tried to do the science
To find out why you would do this to me
And all I got was evidence
That the US moon landing was fake
I suppose there's things more important
Like why are so many schools being shot up in America?
Like seriously and I'm worried about a girl
So I should probably just stop