Self’s the Mann

Oh, no one can deny
That Arnold is less selfish than I.
He married a woman to stop her getting away
Now she's there all day,

And the money he gets for wasting his life on work
She takes as her perk
To pay for the kiddies' clobber and drier
And the electric fire,

And when he finishes supper
Planning to have a read at the evening paper
It's 'Put a screw in this wall' -
He has no time at all,

With the nipper to wheel round the houses
And the hall to paint in his old trousers
And that letter to her mother
Saying 'Won't you come for the summer'.

To compare his life and mine
Makes me feel a swine:
Oh, no one can deny
That Arnold is less selfish than I.

But wait, not so fast:
Is there such a contrast?
He was out for his own ends
Not just pleasing his friends;

And if it was such a mistake
He still did it for his own sake,
Playing his own game.
So he and I are the same,

Only I'm a better hand
At knowing what I can stand
Without them sending a van-
Or I suppose I can.