Secret Marines - The Untold Story

One time, my daddy escaped from the Secret Marines
I know 'cause one time he was visited by the fairy princess Scumbag from 5,000 years in the future and she took pity and sorrow upon him

With her whiteness and sparkles and loving eyes, she looked at him and told him in some strange language - which we later figured out to be Spanish - "No man should ever have to endure your type of pain."
She raised hеr magic wand, whispering in his ear, "I will place you in a land of pеace and balance. For the remainder of eternity, you shall rest among the innocent."
She then proceeded to break the expensive crystal wand over his head, and when he awoke, he found himself alone in a quiet valley with a pleasant rushing stream alongside of him
The princess had transformed Daddy into a tree

Daddy could not move as he watched in horror, the little baby bunnies and ducklings wandering about, knocking their cute little brainless heads together
He saw a squirrel throwing a little red ball through a hoop
A woodpecker landed on one of Daddy's branches and proceeded to peck his eyes out
Soon, the sap was dripping, oozing from every pore of his bark
A teenage girl and boy came along and carved their initials in a heart all over Daddy's chest, then made love at his feet

Daddy began to itch as bugs and worms ate their way through his flesh and crawled their way into his insides
Soon, the winter came and Daddy froze to death
But it's okay, because the next spring my class went there on a field trip and we tore new raw leaves off of his branches and put them in our scrapbooks
I told all my friends that the tree was my daddy, but they didn't believe me and they called me fucked up