Season 1 Episode 1: Valri Bromfield

[ FADE IN on an empty home base ]

Don Pardo (V/O): And now, comedienne Valri Bromfield!

[ Bromfield enters to applause. She is a thin, pale woman in a pink shirt and a black skirt ]

Valri Bromfield: I don't look like a comedian, do I? (starts talking rapidly like a strict school teacher) That's because I'm not, I'm a school teacher, and I'm going to need a lot of silence in this room if I'm going to talk. (claps three times) People people people, please please, people people, am I in a zoo?! All right people, let's bring you out of the suburbs and into the city. I'd like to have a few words with you. (casually bites her pinky finger nail) Okay, okay, people...now...today we have a big volleyball game ahead of us, people, and as you know the principal is counting on us winning the cup. (talks to an off-screen "student") The principal is a what? Is this a French film I'm living in, people? Please! I have a few points and I'd like to make them! (chews on pinky nail again) Okay, well...first of all, we're in our lovely gym togs and I'd like to keep them looking lovely and crisp. Turquiose and white are a very good combination. But, keep the box pleat nice and neat. Don't sit down during the game. And another thing people, please, two points I'd like to make here. (crosses her arms over her breasts) Dress shields, girls, dress shields. Just for that little extra freshness. Oh, and people, the hair-styles are very very nice indeed, but let's keep them back off the eyes, okay? I've got some hairnets here...(responds to some imaginary student jeering)..."oohhh" yourselves! Now, people, I've got team captain Debbie here. She'd like to have a few words with you before the game, okay? Debbie? (she motions to her left and becomes Debbie, a typical ditzy Valley Girl type) Okay, shut up...(audience applauds) Okay, so we're going to have a game and everything, I guess, or I wouldn't be wearing these things! Okay, so the most important thing we have to do is to go out there and be really, really cute, okay? Cause we are really cute. And listen to me, there's something really great - there's some guys out there that are such duh's, you wouldn't believe! There's Jimmy and Mark and Connor...and when I think about the guys...I CAN'T GO OUT THERE!! (goes back to normal voice) Have a great game.

[ Valri waves to audience as they applaud. Piano music plays. Fade ]