Santa’s Lament

[Intro]
You know, people always say to me "Santa, I want this. Santa, I want that. Santa, gimme this. Santa, gimme that." You would not believe the letters I get. Here's one from Suzy: "Dear Santa, I want a cellular phone with caller waiting, and a color Xerox machine." Can you believe it? And she's only five!

Hey, here's something you never hear anybody say, they never say "Santa, what do you want?"
(Santa, what do you want?) I'll tell you what I want, elves...

[Verse 1]
I want some clothes that are not red, I want a car, not a sled
I want some helpers with grace
I want to lay in the sun, I want to have some fun
These elves are driving me insane

[Intrelude]
Is it asking too much to just wanna take a break, and just get away from everything for a while? (No!) Stop agreeing with everything that I say all the time! (Yes, Santa!) No! Eh, you're all just a bunch of yes-elves. You're all just like a jello mold, you're all just like a jello. (You want some jello, Santa?) No, I don't want no jello! I hate jello! I hate the fruitcake, milk and cookies, all of those are snacks and junk people are always leaving me. I hate that stuff, makes me sick

[Verse 2]
Don't want no piece of pie, don't leave me ham and rye
I want a nice, hot meal
How 'bout some snapper and fries, some big chicken thighs
Some rivertonian [?]

[Interlude]
You know, I don't think people even like me. All I ever hear from them all the time is "gimme, gimme, gimme; I want, I want, I want" all the time!

[Bridge]
(Give me this, give me that, give me everything you've got!)
Santa, I want a [?]. I never get a thank you note
(Give me this, give me that, give me everything you've got!)
Santa, I want designer clothes. I want a CD player!
A CD player? Sure you don't want a Mr. Potato Head?
(Give me this, give me that, give me everything you've got!)
Santa, I want a big screen TV! I want a yacht!
A yacht?! Out of chimney? Who do I look like, Houdini?
(Give me this, give me that, give me everything you've got!)
Hey kids, you know what Santa wants? What, Santa?

[Verse 3]
I want out of the grind, I want some peace of mind
I want Christmas every other year
I want a Barbie doll, about five feet tall
I'm sick of being with deer all the time

[Interlude]
Especially Rudolf, I mean him by name, he's a real primadonna. You know, one time I asked him to guide my sled. It go to his head, now he thinks he's better than all the other raindeers. I heard that he said he could be another Santa! Yes, I heard... he said, he could be Santa! (Yeah, he said that!) I made Rudolf! If it wasn't for me, you know how long a raindeer like that would last, with a nose like that in the woods, come hunting season? 'Bout two minutes. He would be tied to the hood of some Pontiac, heading towards some recreation room in Michigan. His head would be nailed to not pine by now, if it wasn't for me. I've had it

[Outro]
(Give me this, give me that, give me everything you've got!)
You know, people like me like Thanksgiving. Thanksgiving, they parade, you know
(Give me this, give me that, give me everything you've got!)
"Hey there, Santa! Me, me, me! Gimme, gimme!"
But come December 26th, I'm history!
(Give me this, give me that, give me everything you've got!)
Nobody ever says "Santa, what are you doin' New Year's eve?
You wanna come to my house on New Year's eve?"
(Give me this, give me that, give me everything you've got!)
(Santa, you wanna come to my house on New Year's eve?)
"Your house"? What do you mean "your house"? My- your house is my house! It's my house!
(Give me this, give me that, give me everything you've got!)
Come on, leave me alone, get out of here! Ho-ho-ho to you!
(Give me this, give me that, give me everything you've got!)
I've had it...