Rooster Teeth Throwdown: Church vs. Sarge

Vic: Since the beginning, a single question has plagued the minds of Red Vs. Blue fans everywhere. No it's not "Do you ever wonder why we're here?" God knows we've run that one into the ground. Nope. The question is simple: Red Team or Blue Team? Welp, clearly there's only one logical way to settle this: a battle of wits...and rhymes. Word to your mothers!

Cut to Sarge inside of a recording booth, with Church on the other

Sarge: Hey there! Hey there recording guy! What's the order of this? This rap battle?

Church: Hey! Hey guys, is he going first or am I going first?

Sarge: Does it go him then me then me then him then me then him me?

Church: It's Red Vs. Blue, so he should go first, he's Red

Sarge: Or does it go me him him me him him me me me me me him

Church: "It's the fight of the ages, Red Vs. Blue, by the end of this battle you'll finally see the-" What is that? Is that a sentence? Why did we let an Achievement Hunter write this stuff?

Sarge: When do I get my bling? The Warthog needs spinners!

Church: Who's going first in this thing, am I going first? Alright let's do this

Announcer: IT'S TIME FOR A ROOSTER TEETH THROWDOWN! LEONARD CHURCH VERSUS SARGE! RAPPERS READY? THROWDOWN!

Church

It's the fight of the ages, Red Vs. Blue

Or it would be if anybody cared about you

By the end of this battle you'll finally see

Leader of a real team ain't as easy as it seems to be

You're trying to mold three wimps into men

I run the suit of the biggest badass there's ever been

Your shotgun's primed for a war you've been storming up

But back away my laser face has started warming up

Hate the people on your team you can barely control them

Got your ass kicked by freelancers Sarge, while I owned them

The Director a machine, you're a cadencing schmuck

Can't rap against a ghost, so BOO you motherfuck

My story's what fans and critics adore

I'll sum up yours in one word "snore"

This is all getting real, bitch, this isn't a game

All they call you is Sarge, that's not even a name

Sarge

Your rap is finally over the fat lady said

I'll kick your ass three times with a left, right, left

Sarge isn't a name, it's superiority

Unlike yours my team respects enough to bury dead me

You got rhymes more fruity than a strawberry Yoo-Hoo

I'll rip you so hard your whole team will go "Blue hoo"

You say you're a leader, oh man that's a riot

This sergeant's loading up to kick you straight in the privates

Red wins, Blue sucks, that's how it's always ended

Wipe this scum from the earth, as God intended

So death to the Blues on that beautiful day

Rotting up like roadkill on a lonely highway

Church

Gross!

Sarge

And one day we'll stand around a tattered Blue flag

Stepping on the necks of you broken battered dirtbags

Nothing you can say can stand up to me

So drop, bluetard, and give me infinity

Church

That's cute, look at you, you're thinking you're still relevant

After Reconstruction hit you're completely insignificant

You're an old has-been who's still trying to prove

He's just as good as he was back in 1952

God damn, I really died for this war?

You're the only one caring about this motherfucking score

If I actually tried, you'd be down in one go

Also Brown-nose, Rust Boat, Wide Load and Delano

Red sucks, deal with it, and let me just remind you that

It's because of me RvB went past season three

You stepped up to a game you can't play

Church is in session so maybe you should stop and pray

Sarge

Your days are numbered you scruffy nerf herder

I've got a brain full of beats and a boner for murder

A case of blue like yours calls for proper medication

Got a shotgun full of pills for your insubordination

Glory to the Red Team and extra glory to me

I need a proper victory, so who's in charge of confetti?

You're an old computer program with a virus maybe

I'll wipe your hard drive clean with the treads on my Chupababy

We're just better, that's not gonna change

So take a step closer into face stabbing range

Your fall's a matter of "when", not a matter of "if"

My second shell is for you, I'm saving the first for Grif

Grif

What?!

Felix

Hahaha!

Oh put away the threats and the knuckle cracks

Locus

I told you to stay out of this

Felix

Dude, just relax

These guys wanna fight, and hey, we're supporting it

But now we're chiming in on the rhyme

Locus

How unfortunate

Felix

See we're just better in every way

What you've done in your life, I've done in a day

Locus

We're perfectly crafted, cunning killing machines

Felix

The two baddest of the mercenary space marines

I'm a supreme know-it-all when it comes to a knife

Close range combat's how I live my life

Then couple me up with an invisible dread

Locus

By the time you see me you're already dead

Felix

How'd you both get teams following your command

Locus

When you can count your IQ on a single hand

Felix

I can't believe this fake battle's caused this much fuss

Cause the way I see it

Locus

You're just practice for us

Church

Calling Epsilon, the Alpha, and the Director online

RvB is just the tale that my life story designed

When I powered Tucker's suit my tale came to an end

I know that's hard to explain to a dude with no friends!

Sarge

Friends don't make you smile in this battle-scarred Hell

What made me smile was watching you dissolve yourself

But you did your damned best, so don't take it too hard

But it's time to suck it Blue, you just got Sarged