Retcon Artist

Yesterday I went through all the messages I sent you
And I cringed at everything that I said
It’s kind of funny
How other people forgive themselves and manage to continue
While my indiscretions live in my head

I’ve spent so many minutes
Staring at the ceiling and feeling pathetic
Cringing in my bed and wishing I could just freely forget that
I’ve been such a terrible person to an exponential degree
Every day I try and fail to be empathetic to me

Other people aren’t like me, other people can forgive
But I’ll always feel regret even if I’ve learned from it
Apologize in my head, push myself to be better
And soon as I’m better bet I’m apologizing again

Because I’m never satisfied with the person I keep becoming
I’m never enough, running in circles that lead to nothing
Always changing, that’s the crux of my work
But the awkward thing with change is that you come to hate the person you were

I hate my songs, I share too much, they should’ve never been listened to
How could I have ever known that it would end up this difficult
Preventing my alter ego from becoming the main
And taking over a conscience that it can hardly sustain

Have I saddled you with pain and complaining
In the name of relatability
When really I’m just aching for sympathy
Could my frankness be maybe chipping away at my dignity
Explaining why I’m embarrassed just to listen to me?

And nothing’s changed I’m still the same
I’m still ashamed and self-indulgent
Still displaying my greatest failings against my better judgment
Still afraid and insecure and irritated by nothing
Even though when I’m on stage it isn’t clear that I’m bluffing

But if nothing else I’ll pretend I did it different, just rewrite it
Send a text into the past, change my path and justify it
See I never had a plan I just make it up as I go
That’s why I was bad at Go. That’s why no one has to know

So send a text back
July of 2014
I’ll send a text back
To April 2015
And send a text back
December 2016
I’ll course correct my open ended stories
Sew up the seams

So send a text back
To summer 2018
And send a text back
To fall of 2019
I’ll send a text back
And change the flow of the stream
And all my million alter egos
They won’t know what it means

El psy congroo, d-mails, microwaves
World lines, closed loops, that’s the will of Stein’s Gate
Time games, mind frames, trapped within the ice age
I’ll try to change my fate by overwriting all of my mistakes

Don’t try to save my life you’ll only wind up making line breaks
My destiny’s defined but behind me I need a wiped slate
I’ll find my place so leave me be you’ll see you never needed me
Just cheated by the alter ego’s evil deeds

If I could go back when
Every day was like a game we could play
I would learn to take the careful way, observe what I say
Back when
Everyone was who I thought they would be
I would opt to run my optics more anonymously
You see
All I really need is to be honest to me
Not to spotlight all my problems for my audience to see
Yeah that’s me, just can’t help but do it again
I can’t undo it, I can only pretend

If I could go back when
Every day was like a game we could play
I would learn to take the careful way, observe what I say
Back when
Everyone was who I thought they would be
I would opt to run my optics more anonymously
You see
All I really need is to be honest to me
Not to spotlight all my problems for my audience to see
Yeah that’s me, just can’t help but do it again
I can’t undo it, I can only pretend

If I could go back when
Every day was like a game we could play
I would learn to take the careful way, observe what I say
Back when
Everyone was who I thought they would be
I would opt to run my optics more anonymously
You see
All I really need is to be honest to me
Not to spotlight all my problems for my audience to see
Yeah that’s me, just can’t help but do it again
I can’t undo it, I can only pretend