Religious Persuasion

“Protestant or Catholic?” cried a voice from the crowd
“Not you again Saint Peter.” I was thinking aloud
Should have packed my bags, headed off for the coast
Had my time already come, to meet the heavenly host?

They switched on their halos, adjusted their harps
Checked that the blades on the Pearly Gates were sharp
I asked them what they meant about religious bent
They said: “That’s the test”, I said: “That’s the testament.”

They were giving holy orders, I think you’ll find
I was up against persuasion of the religious kind
You’ll find

It was hailing Marys at the drop of a tract
Said the seven deadly sins were staying round at my flat
I pondered on the churches of England and Rome
Hadn’t paid the rent for my spiritual home
Needed guidance from the leaders, whose names I knew
Archbishop and John Player Number 2

I quaked in my sackcloth, threw away my joss stick
Burned my Koran and said I was agnostic
“I mean an atheist” I cried as I moved in for the kill
The walls tumbled down as they handed me the bill

They weren’t impressed with my distinctions, I think you’ll find
That I was up against persuasion of the religious kind

A lamb to the slaughter, a human sacrifice
I told their spiritual leader his sceptre looked nice
A hymnbook skimmed my ear but I was only grazed
I dived for a cover as the sawn-off bibles blazed

In the door I gasped “Was it something I said?”
And a solid granite altar hit me on the head
A collection plate plunged into my groin
They marched up discussing the battle of the Boyne

As I expired, I was thinking they’d been rather unkind
But I was up against persuasion, of the religious kind

Bleeding and naked, I was somewhat at a loss
The Good Samaritan was out drinking at the Sign Of The Cross
Recalling their question, I felt totally alone
As I peered out from underneath the tablets of stone

In the gutter lay the crushed remains of a bible
It proclaimed their grievances were purely tribal
They made me see the light for that I offer my thanks
I was collared by the dogs, now I’ve joined their ranks

Onward Christian soldiers, I hope you don’t mind
Being afflicted by religion, of the persuasive kind

(La laaa, la la la laa laaa, da da da da)

Now if you’re visiting some Irish town
And a politician’s head stuck in their ground
And the only bell ringer has a graveyard sound
I said someone’s gotta stand up or nothing’s gonna change
Till religion is rearranged

(La laaa, la la la laa)