.ramblings

(When I)
Wake up at night sweating bullets
With my heart racing fast, got me thinking "Will it
Ever stop, will I find some way to kill it
Or will cigarettes and long nights be my best deal here?"

Dealing with the devil at the night's last call
Begging whoever will hear me to just let me sleep at all
Looking at myself, I look like windows in a church
I'm together but I'm not, and I laugh to hide the urge

I keep praying but I wonder sometimes if I'm even heard
"Hey, God, it's Kai. Can you hear me? Am I being absurd?
I've been tryna phone the Heavens and beseech you
But sometimes I feel my voice didn't reach you"

This persona that I wear, mask I made myself to bear
Is the only thing I know that can help me not be scared
But you know what they say, 'Fake it til you make it'
I'll just tell myself I'm strong enough to break it

I don't wanna leave yet, at least that much I know
There's so much yet to do before I have to go
But I also feel conflicted, I did some things befo'
Akin to seeds of anguish that have sprouted from their home

It's like I shot at the Heavens and it's gates said 'No'
Willed the gunbolt around and gave it rest in my dome
Damn thing pokes at my memories and starts with the worst
From disrespecting boundaries to anger bursts

To a lapse in judgement that cost me a friend
Who I loved so much that her leaving made me want to end everything
No exception
Cause the ice that my eyes cried turned to haze and desperation

And yet I'm thankful, cause pain's a great teacher
And penance a fair maiden who showed mercy when I reached her
I will pay the price even after I die
Cause forgiveness hasn't knocked, even gandered inside

But forgiveness if you show up, if you give me a chance
I will open the door and offer all that I can
I don't expect a miracle or things to be fixed
But I just pray I'll be at peace when I hit 96

If you can hear this, this is not a cry for help
Just a man without a mouth with a story to tell
If you hear this and it hurts, just know you're not alone
This is just my story, and I'd love to hear yours