QLilyLunaPotter331Q’s Genius Diaries: November, Entry 3

Saturday November 22, 2014

November, Entry 3I am so stupid!!!

This isn't a pre-teen girl crying over a boy she'd foolishly fallen for. This isn't a crazy football/soccer fan screaming about not being able to think of a good insult for their favourite team's rivals. Oh boy, this isn't even an editor on Genius.com desperate to be modded and blaming themselves for not being able to write up a good message to a Gawd Mod about it.

This is a cowardly 12-year-old girl who thought she was a Messi fan.

Why did I make the word "thought" so small in that last sentence, you ask? To prove I am a coward. I don't even want to admit that I'm not really a Messi fan. I am a complete coward who lies to everybody, including herself.

According to the time in Canada, Barcelona vs Sevilla, round 12 of La Liga, started at 14:00 on Saturday, November 22nd, 2014. I was groaning as I saw that online because my piano lessons were at 15:00 on Saturdays. I would only be able to watch the first half!!! Torture!!!

But then, I really wanted to stay in my room and write random stuff. And think. And stay away from my parents because I was mad at them for always thinking I was selfish. Because I live in Canada, I don't exactly have La Liga broadcasting on Sky Sports 5 on my TV. So I have to watch all the matches online.

Now, my parents had a password for the laptop (it's the family's laptop, not mine, to avoid confusion) and they don't let me know it. I did NOT want to swallow my pride and ask my dad to turn it on for me to watch the match because I'd had enough of people taking my actions for granted or misunderstanding my intentions.

So I just sat in my room and wrote my book all the way until 14:45, and then I had to leave for my piano lesson.

A few hours laterMy dad took at least one entire hour shopping at No Frills after my piano lessons!!! I was so glad to get home. I remembered that there was a match, but I didn't want to search up the match results just yet because I was afraid to find out that Barcelona had lost and I had been disappointed again. And I was still mad at Dad. And I wanted to write.

Do you see my cowardice yet? ("I was afraid to find out that Barcelona had lost" - a true fan would never say that!!!) Do you see my selfishness and arrogance yet? ("And I was still mad at Dad. And I wanted to write." - Like, really? That's no reason to miss a match when I'm supposed to be a FAN!)

If you don't, then I just pointed it out to you. Good enough?

But you still don't know all you need to know. There was more.

On July the 1st this year, aka Canada Day 2014, I picked up my parents' newspaper in the night and read this article because I was trying to find anything relevant to Messi to read.

After that, I got a bit sad (no, VERY sad) because I was so attached to his football. I didn't want him to go!

That night, I was very dedicated and true to myself as I swore this oath:

I, Jess MaQswell, hereby swear to remain forever loyal to Lionel Messi, who has given me a real insight of what football is. I will try my very, very best to not miss a single Messi match from today onward. When I know there will be a match, I swear to try my best to find it online and watch it live. I will also try my best to not forget. And to not forget only the matches, but the fact that Leo helped me see from many other perspectives than my own in this world, the fact that he has helped me so much, the fact that I owe him and I shouldn't ever take anything like this for granted again. I will never take for granted the right to know about Leo Messi. I know that he will have to retire one day and that it is especially painful for athletes to retire because they will never get to play the sport they so loved playing after they retire. It's reality and I can't hide from it. Therefore, while I can, I will remain forever loyal to Lionel Messi.Ah, I sounded so brave to myself in my mental oath. I was brave then.

But then, I forgot...I forgot to not forget. Even after this, this, this, and **especially this**, I had been so ungrateful to Leo, who had helped me so much. (Find that on the last link.) I had valued my own selfish, stupid wishes such as "I don't want to ask my dad" and "I want to write" and "I'm afraid to see them lose" over my own promise, over other people's dedication and the ways they've helped me through hard times.

I hate myself. Everyone tells me that I'm talented, that I'm "destined for greatness" and "will be a famous, famous woman". I know that I have my own talents. But nobody tells me that I am a good friend, I just realized. So I'm good at so many things...But I'm not good at being a friend?

It didn't seem true when I first realized it last night, but then my thoughts jumped to the day's events. And I had to agree.

Later, I made myself write lines in extra neat writing. I kept writing it and refused to stop. Then, I made myself memorize it until my dad came in to talk with me. He said that I made no mistake; I said he was blind to my mistakes at the moment. Then, he made me go to bed.

I'm feeling to sick of my own selfishness to write any more.

Sick figuratively this time,

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