Progressive Christmas Carols

[Intro: God Rest Ye Merry Gentlemen]
We wish you happy holidays
Whoever you may be
So Merry Christmas, Kwanzaa, Chanukah
Or heck, all three
We've modernized these jingles for the massive bourgeoisie
Love, The Updated Christmas Carol Team

[Verse 1: Santa Claus is Coming to Town]
Oh, you'd better not judge, you'd better not hate
You better not bully or discriminate
Progressive Santa's coming to town
He's making a list of gluten-free foods
He won't take a peek at J-Law's nudes
Progressive Santa's coming to town
He's 50 different races
And all for tax reform
He'll protect all your children
Well, as long as they've been born
You'd better watch out--
Too far?
Okay

[Verse 2: Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer]
Rudolph the red-nosed reindeer (reindeer)
Had an advantageous nose (he outlived his friends)
He passed his bright red traits on (traits on)
Darwin said that's how it goes (evolution's not a theory)

[Verse 3: Mary, Did You Know]
Mary did you know
That your baby boy
Supports the NRA?
Mary did you know
That your baby boy
Is white?
Did you know--

[Verse 4: Deck the Halls]
Deck the halls with kujichagulia
Kwa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wanza
Give zawadi, hang benderas
Kwa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wa-wanza
Throw your hands up in the air-a--

[Verse 5: You're a Mean One, Mr. Grinch]
You're a green one, Mr. Grinch
You're lacking in finesse
That greenish epidermis determines your success
Mr. Grinch
Racist Whos constrain you to the issues they continue to suppress
You're an outlier, Mr. Grinch
You give the Whos a fright
They say your heart is 3/5ths normal
You're either wrong or white, Mr. Grinch
Don't walk the streets of Whoville
You might fight a cop the Whos will not indict

[Verse 6: White Christmas]
I'm dreaming
Of a racially ambiguous holiday

[Verse 7: Away in a Manger]
Away in a manger with Jesus and crew
His schmeckle got cut 'cause hey Christ was a Jew

[Verse 8: O Holy Night]
O holy night
The stars are brightly shining
It is the night Jesus did something holy
(I don't know the whole story)
Joseph watched golf (right?)
His leather chair reclining
As Mary birthed a child
I think a donkey was involved
(Need help here...God?)
Three wise men came
With GPS they found Him
Christ lied in a barn
As His omniscient baby daddy tucked Him in
Jesus crawled on his knees
His mom shared it on Snapchat
O bright device
O night when Christ celebrated Christmas