Playing Dead

Sitting in some hotel bar in Oregon
I know I shouldn't risk my health but if I could forget myself then maybe I could fix how I've been sleeping

I listen to the way I speak to strangers
It probably isn't worth remarking but I swear that once I was charming and now my conversations all get heated

I just made myself laugh to think I once assumed that I knew better than my mother
Let me shed awful costume [?]
Every word I said that made the ones I love upset
I've spent too long playing dead

I'm old enough to know that I know nothing
Though I cеlebrate merе speculations innocently I believe them, I'm still young enough to trust my feelings

I tell myself to recognize my failings
The useless lies I hide behind, hell, I'm too shy to meet your eye
I tell myself that maybe I should stay clean

I just made myself laugh to think I once assumed that I knew better than my mother
Let me shed awful costume [?]
Every word I said that made the ones I love upset
I've spent too long playing dead

Didn't kill me but I don't feel stronger
[?] from toxic thoughts, my minds a train that can't be stopped
I'm not sure that I can handle it much longer

I just made myself laugh to think I once assumed that I knew better than my mother
Let me shed awful costume [?]
Every word I said that made the ones I love upset
I've spent too long playing dead