PLASTIC/TAPE 4

[Weatherperson]
Yesterday the local flowers were barely open, but with the sunny skies this morning they're open and happy to share some smiles with us. We got a bright sunshiny day kicking off in the morning hours into the afternoon with light clouds rolling in as we approach dinner hour-

[Claire]
Ugh, at this hour?

[Weatherperson]
Let's take a look at the charts. We have temperatures at 6 degrees up in Claireheights, traveling down into the south we start to see double that at 12 degrees for both Claireville and Clairecenter

[Claire]
Oh, another gift?

[Weatherperson]
Current wind speed in the area is sitting at a smooth 6.6kmh

[Claire]
Who the fuck is Larry?

[Weatherperson]
--heading west, expect some nice cloudy scenery while you folks cool off in the evening. For most people daytime high today will be sitting at 12 degrees, tomorrow, expect to see an increase in cloud count as the vacuum carries us down towards a gentle 6 degree peak. Sunday, Monday, Tuesday, and all the rest, this week is looking like another beautiful 7 days. This is Jill Taylor with the weather, and remember Claire, don't open that package!

[Claire]
Huh?

[NEUTRA]
Hello
Fuck

[Sample]
Come on

[Scream]

[Staple God]
*throat clear* WEW *throat clear* *short throat clear* *shorter throat clear* *shorter throat clear* *throat clear* *reverse throat clear* WE FU-FU-FU-FU-FU-FU-FU-FU-FU-FU-FU AH-AH WE FUCKING LOVE YOU TO DEAAAAAAAAAAATH BUP DEATH
W-WE W- W-WE-W w w w w w WE FUCKING LOVE YOU TO DEUHLILUIOIUI DEAAADEAAADEAA FUFUFUCKING LOVE YOU TO DEAaAaAaAaAaAaAaAa WE WE
(We fucking love you) WE VI
(We fucking love you t-)
(We fucking love you) Stay back
WE FUCKING LOVE YOU TO
D D D D D D

[Sitcom]
Honey, I'm home!

*applause*

[Stranger]
Oh, what else is on?!

[Studio Audience]
Don't! Open! That! Package!

[Announcer]
Give it up for your host, Pete Bradburn

[Studio Audience]
*applause*

[Pete Bradburn]
And welcome back everybody to "Don't Open That Package". I'm your host, Pete Bradburn and I’m here with Claire who’s about to spin the Wheel of Fate. How are you feeling?

[Claire]
I’m good. You know, tending to my collection

[Studio Audience]
*applause*

[Claire]
How are the kids, Pete?

[Pete Bradburn]
Good, good. Their gums are a little sore, but they’ll get over it. Didn’t we all?

[Studio Audience]
*laughter*

[Pete Bradburn]
Well, Claire, are you ready to spin the Wheel of Fate?

[Claire]
Ready as I’ll ever be!

[Studio Audience]
*collective gasp*

[Pete]
And who would’ve guessed, we have a winner! Claire will NOT be opening the package today, but she WILL be going home with some shiny new ribbons!

[Studio Audience]
*applause*

[Claire]
Oh my God!

[Announcer]
This is the... sixth time Claire has won 'Don't Open That Package'. We'll be back after commercial

[Voiceover]
This Saturday night, don't forget to watch 'The Godfather's Dentist'

[Godfather]
I'm the Godfather and this is my dentist

[Commercial Announcer]
Canada's best Italian teeth grinding celebrity show

[Godfather]
We got a big shipment comin' in tomorrow!

[Luigi]
Oh no, I forgot the boxes!

[Voiceover]
This season, featuring American white rapper, Staple God

[Staple God]
You and I both know that we were supposed to get those teeth to the boss guy ages ago, alright?

[Luigi]
I'm trying my best, you don't understand!

[Godfather]
You know what happens when you mess with the big boss

[Staple God]
And if you don't hold up your side of the deal... there's gonna be trouble for both of us

[Voiceover]
While Luigi is all smiles, Staple God is in the hot seat from the big boss

[Godfather]
If he doesn't get those molars to me by the end of the night, he knows what happens

[Staple God]
And if any near under quota when they go to weigh it in, you know what happens

[Luigi]
Eh, but my spin drill machine, it-a broke-a!

[Staple God]
Look! I'm tired of the excuses man

[Voiceover]
Will he get his spin drill in gear? Or will the big boss be sending him down the root canal to failure?

[Godfather]
Think I'm gonna add him to the list and send him down the root canal to FAILURE. Youse thinks you a tough guy?

[Staple God]
I ne-

[Godfather]
Do you know how much money you owe me?

[Staple God]
N-n-n, well...

[Godfather]
I'm the boss!

[Staple God]
W- ah-

[Godfather]
Is there anything you can do? You, you go-, you gotta do something if you wanna keep this position

[Staple God]
Uh, we-

[Godfather]
Do something for me, what can you do?

[Staple God]
Uh, I ca- I can beatbox. Wanna hear me beatbox?
BUHbzhhbububutssBOoTSSpHH

[Voiceover]
This Saturday night at 7:30

[Sting]
Only on Clarity TV

[Voiceover]
Exclusive!

[Voiceover]
What does it feel like to be pure?

[Whisper]
Pure *sip* (Ahh)

[Voiceover]
Feel the buzz of Epsilon Cream Soda. Bubbly

[Whisper]
Bubbly

[Voiceover]
Fresh

[Whisper]
Fresh

[Voiceover]
Crisp

[Whisper]
Crisp

[Voiceover]
A new sensation for your taste buds

[Whisper]
A new sensation for your taste buds

[Voiceover]
Our unique hydrogen peroxide whitening agent targets plaque and tartar build up, making your teeth more prime for delivery than ever! Epsilon Cream Soda. Taste the love

[KaTT]
MmmMmmMmmaAMmAaaaaAaaaAAAAAAAOOoouhhhhhrublubluBLUBLBULBUBLUblubUHHrubrubrubrlubluBULBUBLUBLUBLBULBULBUBLUBLublbubluAOHHHH!
Mm! MM! AY!
CHUBBY SODAAAAAAAAAAAA
CHUBBY SODAAAAAAAAAAAA

[Olive Garden Employees]
-ry! Larry! Larry! (Oh shit, there h-)

[Ando]
FUCK TAMAGOTCHIS BI-

[NEUTRA]
Oh, you made a-

[Helvetican]
*laugh*

[Voiceover]
You're listening to OMNI RADIOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (102.5050501050105)
In the mix!
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Alright, and up next we have six impala & Willy Crooks' "KEEPITINSIDE" on OMNI RADIO
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[William Crooks]
K-k-k-k-k-keep it inside
Yuh, keep it inside
Keep it inside
Uhhhhhhhh
Keep it inside
KEEP IT! IN! SIDE! (Woo!)
KEEPITINSIDE (Keep it inside, yeah)
KEEPITINSIDE (Keep it inside, yeah)
KEEPITINSIDE (Keep it, yeah)
KEEP IT! IN!
SIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIDE

[¿¿¿]
What did you see?

[???]
I saw God, and the world doesn't revolve around us
There are others. Hundreds, thousands, tens of thousands, hundreds of thousands, uh, milli-

[Claire]
Fuck it. Hm? What the fuck!
Six