Phosphenes

I feel the veins that sit behind my eyes grow varicose as gentle light starts filtering through fractured blinds that shade the world from me
You'd always watch me as I'd wax and wane
Fluoxetine and slow decay
Dependence on a medicine is Hell without reprieve

I am bereft of the ineffable affections I feel I am owed
My vacancy and apathy are all that I have left to show
For years I spent in isolation, for chemicals that took the place
Of fleeting moments in which I found reprieve from misery

And it seems the only solace I'm afforded is now instead of wanting to kill myself I just sleep
I guess progress really isn't want I thought it would be
And as I lay supine and let the phosphenes fade after another collapse
I'm left to contemplate if I'm really getting better, or if I'm just numb to the feeling of falling apart

My dichotomy has always been that I'm scared of burdening those who love me
But knowing I need help before I die afraid and lonely
But maybe it's all in my head

The irony I face is that whenever I try to medicate my aches
It kills the only part of me that makes me want to stay

And as I lay supine and let the phosphenes fade after another collapse, I'm left to contemplate
If I'm really getting better, or if I'm just numb to the feeling of falling apart