Perfect is one of Bill’s latest videos, it is a sketch revolving around two people who live in a strange town named “Perfect Heights”.
The name of the video comes from the last line in the video, although it is possible Bill chose it for other reasons
The camera opens on a parking lot with two cars moving back and forth parallel to each other. Two people are sitting on the side, watching.
PERSON 1: What's going on here?
PERSON 2: Avoidance wars; each driver is trying to avoid eye contact with the other person.
PERSON 1: Do they know each other?
PERSON 2: Nope.
PERSON 1: Do they want to know each other?
PERSON 2: No way.
PERSON 1: Do you think we should introduce them?
PERSON 2: I think that's a great idea. But I think everyone is scared of (BOTH) what might happen
The two cars slow to a stop.
PERSON 1: Hm. They got tired out.
PERSON 2: They probably had a big day yesterday, and the day before, and the day before.
PERSON 1: Have you ever had a big day?
PERSON 2: My whole life is big. Oh, here's street cleaning.
A street cleaning car passes through the parking lot.
PERSON 2: Which makes me immediately want to ask:
BOTH: Was the street dirty?
PERSON 2: No, I don't think so, and I can never seem to remember. I try to remind myself to take note of whether or not the street's dirty before the street cleaning car comes around and cleans it. But I always forget, and then the car comes, and I'll never know.
PERSON 1: Sounds like you need a way to predict the past.
PERSON 2: Yeah.
PERSON 1: Find out how to predict when the current moment is gonna be the past, and then check up on certain details because you know you won't be able to access them anymore.
The two people stand up and begin looking around the parking lot.
PERSON 1: Is one of these cars yours?
PERSON 2: Yep. I just bought all of them.
PERSON 1: How'd you do that?
PERSON 2: They, uhh... there was an auction. Online. I didn't have to go, I just sat here and now I own all these cars, except for those two
PERSON 2 points at the two cars which were partaking in "avoidance wars".
PERSON 2: Those are self-owning cars.
PERSON 1: OK. Well, can we drive some of these other ones?
PERSON 2: Uhh... nope. Those are all self-driving.
PERSON 1: OK. Well then, can one of them drive us somewhere?
PERSON 2: Surewhere. I mean, sure, where?
PERSON 1: I don't know, to the moon and back?
PERSON 2: Hmm, I think that might be out of range for some of these cars.
PERSON 1: Well, how about down the street?
PERSON 2: Sure, if you can figure out which way that is.
PERSON 1: Do the cars know?
PERSON 2: The cars... these cars know everything, which unfortunately cancels out, and so they know nothing.
PERSON 1: They know nothing?
PERSON 2: Feel nothing.
PERSON 1: Ah.
PERSON 2: They know everything, so they don't care.
PERSON 1: I see.
PERSON 2: So it means 'don't ask for their opinion'.
PERSON 1: Right, so (through megaphone) where do you want to go?
The two people walk towards a large sign and sit atop it.
PERSON 2: Well... let's think about what our options are.
PERSON 1: You know, I just realized we could actually go anywhere, and now I'm feeling kind of overwhelmed.
PERSON 2: I know what you mean. Is there anywhere you've been before?
PERSON 1: Yes, I've been somewhere before.
PERSON 2: Well, can we go there?
PERSON 1: I don't remember where it was.
PERSON 2. Oh. Was it here?
PERSON 1: Yes.
PERSON 2: Oh. Are we there yet?
PERSON 1: Welcome. Yes, we're here.
PERSON 2: I'm excited about that.
Many cars begin to speed down the road next to the parking lot.
PERSON 1: Where do you think all those people are going?
PERSON 2: Away... No, it's uhh...
PERSON 1: Half of them.
PERSON 2: Yeah. No it's-
BOTH: All of them are going away, half the time.
PERSON 2: And the other half of the time they're... coming back?
PERSON 1: No. They came back first, then went away.
PERSON 2: Right. From where?
PERSON 1: I think it might be a loop.
PERSON 2: No, it couldn't be. This road has no curvature whatsoever.
PERSON 1: Yes, but they could be making a series of angular turns.
PERSON 1 uses their finger to illustrate what they mean by this.
PERSON 2: That's right. Good point. Everyone around here seems pretty driven.
PERSON 1: That's just a sign of the times. Five minutes ago, no one was going anywhere.
PERSON 2: I remember.
PERSON 1: Now all that's changed.
PERSON 2: Except we're still here.
PERSON 1: I just noticed that.
PERSON 2: How is that possible?
PERSON 1 looks down at the sign they're sitting on.
PERSON 1: It must be because of this sturdy commercial signage fixture upon which we are perched.
PERSON 2: Sit on a sign, feelin' fine. That's my motto.
PERSON 1: My motto is different than that.
PERSON 2: I understand that.
PERSON 1: (through megaphone) Shall we amount to something?
PERSON 2: Well, how do you propose we do that?
The amount of cars on the road next to the parking lot decreases suddenly.
PERSON 1: We could go up.
PERSON 1 points upward.
PERSON 2: I don't know how to do that. That's the one thing I've never learned how to do. I can do everything else besides that.
PERSON 1: Can you go to the side?
PERSON 2: I'm pretty sure I can.
PERSON 1: But just not up?
PERSON 2: Right, yep, no.
PERSON 1: These places- this has got to be fictional.
PERSON 1 gets down from the sign and begins reading it. PERSON 2 soon follows.
PERSON 2: No, it's real.
A single green car is shown driving down the road next to the parking lot.
PERSON 1: Is there any way to test that?
PERSON 2: Try to make up something better.
PERSON 1 spots a name on the sign: "Redondo Sun".
PERSON 1: Honestly, I would have spelled this with more Rs.
PERSON 2: Here.
PERSON 2 hands PERSON 1 two letter Rs that match the font on the sign. PERSON 1 places them haphazardly on the sign. The two step back to look at the rest of the sign.
PERSON 1: Nah, I see what you mean.
PERSON 1 removes the extra Rs from the sign.
PERSON 1: Everything is perfect.
The two are shown moving back and forth along the sidewalk in a very inhuman, jittery way.
Perfect. was written by Bill Wurtz.
Perfect. was produced by Bill Wurtz.
Bill Wurtz released Perfect. on Thu Nov 24 2022.