Our beloved Common Room

[Narration: Patrick Dean]
So apparently the other day, well it wasn’t the day it was, it was today. I had enough of keeping a lie from the, uh, school faculty
About who the two morons that threw watermelon and mandarin in the bloody common room. I decided to be a man. Because they just... They just didn’t want to step up to the plate and say "look i threw the freakin' the water- the watermelon and mandarin around the room and I’m willing to accept the punishment." They didn’t want to do that.

So I went up to Mr. Jones and I was like look I'll give you the two rats that fuckin' trashed the fuckin' place if you let everyone else have the common room back and he was like "yeah, deal deal deal deal." So they’re names... the one who threw the watermelon first of all that would be George K***s, he’s a bit of an idiot he sent me a threatening- a threatening text about twenty minutes ago and he hasn’t replied to my other texts because apparently I’m the one in the wrong... Ooph. What an idiot. And Nick A****************s, well, I haven’t, uh, actually talked to him... I assume he doesn’t care, um, I don’t see why he should, cause he did throw the mandarin. I don’t really see why George is so upset
because he did throw the fuckin' watermelon... And it did smash all over the wall and all over the window and all over the floor and all over the roof.

I mean, how am i the one in the wrong? They’re the fuckin' idiots who couldn’t be like "look I was wrong," "I did the wrong thing,"
"I should come forward," well, they wanted to lie... They wanted to be deceitful and [?] So paybacks a motherfucker.
clicks tongue*
Fuckin' lie, fuck ya, should’ve come clean, should’ve owned up, should’ve been a man, I get it, you clearly aren’t men, you are children. Um, yeah look I really don’t have much to say to you fellas...
You’re real trash, you’re real scum. So yeah, good luck in life, fuck all of you.