Offended

[Verse 1: Eminem]
You claim if you get knocked by the cops
You'll give 'em not even a statement
Walk in the arraignment
Shoot the bailiff, karate kick the plaintiff
Gotti with the stainless
I'll just call it shoddy entertainment
If y'all was in the party gettin' faded
On molly, had the audience sedated
You wouldn't catch a body if it fainted
Probably let it fall and hit the pavement
But you'd be the first lobbyin' to claim it
Bitch, stop bein' a lame
Your hobby isn’t robbery and dismemberin' body limbs
Like you was Tommy Lynn Sells
And chainsawin' them in the basement
Hardly fits your job description, ain't nobody dippin'
Out the back of the club like, "Oh my God, he's trippin'!"
Only time you get the blade is
Probably with the dang lawn equipment, ain't it?
Wouldn't take a bobby pin and wave it
I need to stop bein' debated
You're still copyin', Xeroxing
I'm still coppin' a feel
Like Bill Cosby at will, poppin' a pill
Then spill Oxys in Jill's coffee
Then send her out to the hotel lobby
A lil' wobbly and still groggy
This blond fuck's reprehensible
Misconducts, never sensible
Kiss my butt, my set of principles
Is gone, but 'til I get the President to respond
My pen and pencil is a missile launcher
And Senator Mitch McConnell’s
Just as big of a bitch as Donald—
Shit's on, bruh! (Ha-ha)
Let me sing this shit soprano
While I do it pizzicato
Ivanka, stiff-arm her while I'm hittin' on Melania
And this song's for all ya

[Chorus: Eminem & Kent Jones]
'Cause nobody likes me, everybody hates me
They want me to go eat some worms (I hope you offended)
And drag my name through the mud, through the dirt
But I'ma make you eat your words (I hope you offended)
You can try to hold me down, but you better let me up
'Cause you're only gonna make things worse (I hope you offended)
'Cause I swear when I get up, I'm never gonna let up
'Til everybody eats my turds

[Verse 2: Eminem & Paul Rosenberg]
These drums and hard snares bring out the worst in me
Like Justin Ross Harris at a nursery
Goin' ham at candy yam
On nanny cam, I'm gettin' handies with the zanny Xannys
In the Caddy armrest, I'm imaginin' objects
So I'm battin' cobwebs from a daddy longleg
In Hamtramck
Got the panoramic camera
Xanax, a banana hammock and a Santa hat
I'm smellin' like a damn mechanic
With a chick that looks like Janet Jackson with a Spanish accent
Twice her age and I'm actin' half it (Ha-ha)
Grow up?
Nah, not that I know of, y'all
Basement just got a frickin' overhaul
Got a stripper pole installed
Started rollin' all through those Klonopins
Like a bowlin' ball
Like an overdose on twice the ratio of Propofol
And go through no withdrawal
While I get fellatio and give a facial to
An interracial blow-up doll of Rachel Dolezal
You're so appalled (Em…)
So's my manager
Bitch, I amateur, fuck a pro career
Coast is clear, but nowhere to go from here
And nobody's close so don't compare
They ain't nowhere near, I'm way over here
My competition can't see me—
'Cause I don't own a mirror!
But, Marshall, you are terrific
So smart and gifted
I'm so narcissistic, when I fart I sniff it
Do a fake dab to smell my armpits, whiff it
Your anxiety's throwin' gang signs
But I made strides with these rape lines
I'm cuttin' back on women hate crimes
Like Ray Rice when he FaceTimes
Bang, bang, bang, bang time
Dang knives're butcher than gay wives
You're gonna need sutures the same size
As the blade I push into caput'cha
When I pull 'em like (What?) sleigh rides
Gotta stab a bitch at least eight times
To make it on Dateline
I came to stake my claim like a canine
Waitin' in a buffet line
So, Kellyanne Conway
I'm a really bad hombre
Come play, belly dance on me
I've been makin' wedding plans all day

[Chorus: Eminem & Kent Jones]
'Cause nobody likes me, everybody hates me
They want me to go eat some worms (I hope you offended)
And drag my name through the mud, through the dirt
But I'ma make you eat your words (I hope you offended)
You can try to hold me down, but you better let me up
'Cause you're only gonna make things worse (I hope you offended)
'Cause I swear when I get up, I'm never gonna let up
'Til everybody eats my turds

[Verse 3: Eminem]
Eight-year-old with the wordplay
Girl, take this pole like a survey
Today wasn't my birthday
But I'm caked up like a dessert tray
So we're in shape
'Cause you're in a slurrin' state
I’m a 10, you’re an eight (Urinate)
Like what I do before, after, and durin' rape!
You wanna get into a pissin' contest
And find out who's better?
And be made a fool out of when I pull on 'em?
R. Kelly with a full bladder (R. Kelly with a full bladder)
Non-high school grad, I'm not a scholar
But I'm so cold when I'm droppin' knowledge
My degrees is the same as I got in college (Zero)
But nobody's hotter, you owe me my respect
I owe you nada like Haloti, partner
Blow me, told you I'm so dirty, homie, you can throw me
In some holy water, with some floaties on
And get the soap and try to get the Pope to hold me
While you hose me off and, nope, I won't be washed
You hope to God I don't explode
I gotta blow this spot up though, I got a lotta mo'
I won't put the sugar coating on it though
'Cause sometimes you can feel like your energy's expired
Rap's got you drained
Dead tired, zapped
You feel like a wet pile of crap
But look, man, like the feds buggin' my phone (Uh-huh)
I get why you're tapped
"But you gotta get your fire back
Catch fire, get upset and fire back!"
Is what I tell myself
When times get bad
'Cause sometimes I might get sad
But I take the same advice I had
And tell myself like I used to tell Hailie
When life's a drag
Told her to do like her dad:
Don't cry, get mad!
'Cause little baby powders
Belong in diaper bags
I'm hyper, by the time you see this side of me
I'm right in your ass (Sodomy!)
Foot up it, I stood up for the kid
Who had to put up with the bullies at his school (At his school)
You ain't had to have no money
Or go shoppin' just to cop a fuckin' attitude (Attitude)
Now my dough's amountin' to a mountain
That's rised too high to count it
Never asked to be rich, all I did was wish
I had a dime for every time that I was doubted
But then I think about it, then I'm enraged
'Cause I just figured out that if I was paid
For the time I spent to put the pen to the page
It'd be minimum wage (Minimum wage)
But it's embedded in my head I never hunted for the bread and butter
What I wanted was to be the one that they was scared of but
I'm never gonna get the credit for the sweat and blood
I put up in the pen, and when I'm dead I wonder
Will they put me on a pedestal or forget I was ever this incredible?
I guess I better go harder than ever 'cause
I'll never get another motherfuckin' opportunity again
To offend as many people with this, I can simply because I can

[Chorus: Eminem & Kent Jones]
'Cause nobody likes me, everybody hates me
They want me to go eat some worms (I hope you offended)
And drag my name through the mud, through the dirt
But I'ma make you eat your words (I hope you offended)
You can try to hold me down, but you better let me up
'Cause you're only gonna make things worse (I hope you offended)
'Cause I swear when I get up, I'm never gonna let up
'Til everybody eats my turds