Nothing Was the Same

I chose to believe every word I was fed
And I thought the coals on my back were a product of the lack you left
When you stepped back and racked your brain for a reason to stay
But you could not seem to formulate
Any such thought in your head

So you left with nothing more than a reason you kept silent
And my mind would riot, stuck in self-perpetuated mental violence
And dreams kept private
The ambition to fix this wishlist of selfish misfit realist
Missions contained within a vision
Of wishful thinking and sinking deep
Into a new bit of misproportioned emotions
Leaking through a seeping truth
Constructed by my need to feel important
When you would look back
And think of all the little things you regret
I just wanted you to think of me when you think back
To all the things you regret

I spent so much time convincing myself
That the rest of this mess that I stressed within this relationship
Was a product of the world’s oppressions
Not my deep desire to be needed
And it’s hard to admit, but I guess I’ve come to terms
With the fact that I just want to be needed
And I convinced myself that I needed to be needed
And if that was true, I would still be smiling
Like you still today but for different reasons

I chose to dismiss the possible instance
That the lips I love to kiss
Could form the words goodbye
And it was a simple lie but I told it to you
Like the captain of a sinking ship
Choosing to believe the bottom of the ocean
Was a better source of oxygen
It’s so nice, and I still chose to believe
I misinterpreted your dialect and everything you said about it

Your diction, your diatribe, posture
Body language, and connotations
All pointed in the same direction
The selection of contingent messages
Postponed until further notice
Because I was ashamed to admit the problem
And pretend your happiness came from me
And that your happiness was important
But we aborted the sordid truths we once distorted
When I saw the shape of your dress when you wore it
And that was enough until it wasn’t
And that’s when you finally felt supported

So the others courted you and you mentally recorded
And endorsed the force perform of compliments
You received came in
And you felt empowered enough to take your final bow
And find love within the arms of another
Instead of this heart of mine
And that’s fine because I would do the same
And I would leave me
Not because I’m useless, and not because I’m broken
Not because I’m sad, and not because I’m worthless
But because I saw value in your smile and not in your values

And I’m sorry, and I love you
And that’s why I can finally sleep at night
Because you are free and you can thrive
And I’m just happy I got to be a part of your life

I’m just happy I got to be a part
Of the journey that you call your life
And I finally feel fine
Cause I spent so long trying to change you
Not realizing I was the one who needed to change

I was selfish to assume you loved me more than you love yourself
Even though I never felt the same
And there’s so many things that my selfishness tried to take away
But you were the one that was the hardest to watch walk away

But thank you for letting me be
A part of everything you were building and creating
And finding truth in life and you were relating so much beauty
And I love you, and I’m sorry

Thank you for letting me be a part of your journey
Thank you for letting me be me
And thank you for setting me free
And showing me love
And showing me love in its full capacity