Nothing at All

Yes, well.
Well now you've bought it we, might as well break the bad news.
There's um (cough) nothing on this side at all. Yes nothing at all.
It's no good you hanging on I mean, there's nothing on this side, only me and I'm not gonna say anything. You might as well go.
Well look you see I've got to stay. I booked the studio for an hour and I've got to get the value out. I tell you if I could go I'd go, you've got the chance.
It just takes nerve, that's all I suppose, just nerve, and a little time.
I tell you what i could (cough). I could let you have this silence with, I'll beat a tin or something.

[Starts banging the side of a tin] How's that sound for you?
Yes, well I mean, you'll feel [?] of a twit, I mean you'll know that there is somebody still in the studio...
[Keeps banging the side of the tin, before its sound changes]
Oh it's a different sound, that's the bottom of the tin I found here, that's a different sound all together.

I must admit time goes slowly doesn't it.
Silence always goes slowly, I suppose you could try it at 78 but it wouldn't sound any louder.
Tell you, I'll tell you what, I'll show you how big this studio is. I'll go over there and shout from the wall, see over here.
[Away from the microphone] OVER HERE! [bangs the tin]
It's a little, it's a small studio. It's got a sort of a, a yellowish wall.
You just have to believe me I mean it's yellow.
OK [?] right over here just about twenty feet away. [bangs the tin again] Yes (cough)

[Back at the microphone] Am I still under time in the studio? Yes I've still got to keep going, right.
[Continues banging the tin]
Hear about the two boiled eggs who are being boiled in a pot, and one said to the other "I don't like being boiled alive", and the other one said "Wait 'til you get out of here, they bash your head in." Ha ha ha ha ha.
[Continues banging the tin]
Coming up the charts from 48000 to 328 is, the nothing record. The only record with two B-sides. Be-sides, 'Besides a garden wall'. These songs come to me all the time now.
[Continues banging the tin]

(Spike as a lady)
Hey, what are you doing in here?
Get out of here.

[A vacuum cleaner is switched on]

(Normal Spike)
Wait a minute madam I'm, I'm still using the studio.

(as lady)
YOU GET OUT OF HERE!

(Normal Spike)
I'm sorry dear.

(as lady)
GET OUT OF HERE!

(Normal Spike)
Alright. Alright. [?]

(as lady)
'Besides a garden wall. Dum de dum.'

[Vacuum cleaner is switched off]
I don't realise [?] strange people around.

[Vacuum cleaner is switched on and then off again]

(Normal Spike)
Don't tell me you're still here. If you are, say after me 'I am a twit'. What are you?
That's better. Well, I'm off. [door closing]