Not Anything Off A Project, Just A One Shot Raw Freestyle Take Of Some Shit I Wrote Earlier

Sometimes I get lost thinking about all the people who are so lost
Without the slightest clue of how to reach this feeling with or without drugs
I think about my mother and I start to cry
I really hope she isn't afraid in her daily life
I really hope she knows she's a killer like her son
I really hope every one I love is getting as fed up as I am with not having fun

Sometimes my heart is heavy and I don't even know why
Sometimes I think about death and who'd really care if I said goodbye
I only really start to think that way when weeks go by
Without me seeing or talking to anyone I love but those are the motions of the system that enslaves you and I

It doesn't have to be this way
But everyone has shit they got to let go of
Know a lot of angels stuck in Hell
I'm holding a ladder steady for when they're ready to climb
Up and I won't it let go even if winter rolls around and I freeze from the inside out just know I never thought twice

I get to thinking about shit they say I shouldn't
Because they don't want to think about it either
We're all blessed and we don't even know it
We're ungrateful and hateful
Myself fucking included
I think the worst for me is when I think I'm a good person and I come to find out this whole entire time I fucking blew it
I fucking knew it

I just heard a gun shot outside my window and I'm not even phased
We're all so desensitized and decentralized, we're numb to everything
We've seen it all
Children growing up learning more from screens than they ever will from their folks
Just do a quick Google search, researchers say we're less than a decade from being replaced by
Robots

Artificial
But what's the difference
Between that and what we've become?
Narcissists with platforms to encourage deeper cultural narcissism
I'm really just tired
Yeah I know I'm the shit but that title was earned, not given
Doesn't mean I think I'm the only one who's got it
If I could express with words the love I have in my heart for those who've inspired me my mouth would get to talking and I've never be able to stop it

I cry
Because I hope the guys' who's music I listened to when I wanted to die
Aren't still wanting to die
I just cry I guess because I know that's how existence goes
Plenty of fucking highs followed by plenty of fucking lows
And I can't shake this feeling that the worst is yet to come
Right now we're going through a reflective period, I think this year'll be fun

I just want to call her up and meet up and hold hands
But
She's three hundred miles away probably talking to another man
Or at
Least that's what I don't doubt given the fact
I can tell she's not as into me as I'm into her
And what's fucked is I don't even care
I'm 14 again and I'm in love with my best friend who hasn't even felt like a best friend for some time
Because of distance and dissonnace and disrespect and difference
But
None of it's real
In my mind I've witnessed
The future, and there isn't one without her in it
And
I know she's afraid and I know she's looking for a reason to dismiss me
And although I'd much rather her decide I'm the love she's wanted her whole life
And set aside what's made her hide that pretty smile all this time, and ride this fucking ride with this boy who's do or die
I just want to be one of the reasons she's grateful to wake up and open her eyes
But despite what I'd hope for, being frank I
Have nothing but time, even if I wanted to love another I know I couldn't no matter how hard I fucking tried, guess I'm tied to you
So I guess just keep that in mind I guess or don't
I can't and don't want to make you feel anything I just hope that you
Get struck by Cupid like I did and look back at me the way that I tend to look at you

The other day my mother and I went to the grocery store
And we argued because I felt like she wasn't getting in and out quick enough
I was upset
Because I'm used to watching my back
And I felt vulnerable
Like I was absorbing the thoughts of another
A fucking unconscious reaction I'm plagued with and it's true
Because life is what the fuck it is
You're not safe anywhere and you can't trust anyone but yourself
So be here now, because if you don't, something else will