NOBODY WILL WATCH THE F*CKING TONY AWARDS WITH ME

[Rachel Bloom]

[Verse 1]

Who wants to watch the Tony Awards this year?

[People on couch]
No

[Rachel Bloom]
Do you wanna watch the Tony Awards this year?

[Woman on couch]
Absolutely not

[Rachel Bloom]
It's like if basketball were interesting
Or the Olympics had Nathan Lane
It's like the Oscars if the actors had talent
It's kind of like that only so much better

[spoken]
What's wrong with this pizza?

[Woman on couch]
It's gluten free

[Rachel Bloom]
Bleh! You people are terrible!

[Verse 2]

I know we broke up, but do you wanna watch the Tonys this year?

[Ex-boyfriend at door]
You fucked my brother

[Rachel Bloom]
Does your big-dicked brother wanna watch the Tonys this year?

[spoken]
Wha-? Come on, hey

It's like if birthdays actually had any meaning
Or your wedding was written by Stephen Sondheim
It's like if your neglect hadn't driven me to your brother
With a special performance by the cast of the Lion King

[Verse 3]

I think it's time to ask my mom

[Spoken, on phone]
Tonys?

[Mom on phone]
No

[Rachel Bloom]
Enjoy your nursing home

I'll put a personal ad on Craigslist

[Craigslist shave guy]
I'll do it if I can watch you shave

[Rachel Bloom]
I could ask my twin if I hadn't strangled her in the womb
(Fosse!)

[Megan on phone, spoken]
Hey, it's Megan from high school, I just saw your Facebook post about the Tonys, I would totally love to watch it with you and catch up!

[Rachel Bloom]
Oh, you know what, actually the Tonys were cancelled

[Megan]
What, why?

[Rachel Bloom]
Yeah, Broadway exploded

[Megan]
Oh my God, what do we do?

[Rachel Bloom]
Yeah, there's nothing to do, bye

Ugh, Megan is so weird

[Ex-boyfriend]
Will you get the fuck out of here, Rachel?

[Verse 4]
Who wants to watch the Tony Awards this year?
This guy wants to watch the Tony Awards this year!
I love the tap!

[Craigslist shave guy]
More shaving

[Rebecca Bloom]
I love the witty banter
My friends may be trash
And I may be a sociopath
But Tonys, I'll watch you every year