Nobody Makes a Pass at Me

I want men that I can please
That I can squeeze, that I can tease
Two or three, or four, or more
What are those fools waiting for?

I want love and I want kissing
I want more of what I'm missing
Nobody comes knocking at my front door
What do they think my knocker's for?

If they don't come soon there won't be any more
What can the matter be?

I wash my clothes with Lux, my etiquette's the best
I spend my hard-earned bucks on just what the ads suggest

Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Nobody makes a pass at me!

I'm full of Kellogg's bran, I eat Grapе Nuts on the sly
The date is on thе can of coffee that I buy

Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Nobody makes a pass at me!

Oh Beatrice Fairfax, give me the bare facts
How do you make them fall?
If you don't save me the things the Lord gave me
Never will be any use to me at all

I sprinkle on a dash of Fragrance de Amour
The ads say "Makes Men Rash" but I guess their smell is poor

Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Nobody makes a pass at me!

I use Ovaltine and Listerine
Barbasol and Musterole
Lifebuoy soap and Flit
So why ain't I got it?

I use Coca Cola and Marmola
Crisco, Lesco and Mazola
Ex-Lax and Vapex
So why ain't I got sex?

I use Albolene and Maybelline
Alka-Seltzer, Bromo-Seltzer
Odo-Ro-No and Sensation
So why ain't I got fascination?

My girdles come from Best
The Times ads say they're chic
And up above I'm dressed
In the brassiere of the week

Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Nobody makes a pass at me!

I use Pond's on my skin
With Rye-Krisp I have thinned
I get my culture in
I began 'Gone with The Wind'

Oh dear, what can the matter be?
Nobody makes a pass at me!

Oh Dorothy Dix, please
Show me some tricks, please
I want some men to hold

I want attention
And things I can't mention
And I want them all before I get too old

I use Mum every day and Angelus Lip Lure
But still men stay away
Just like Ivory Soap I'm 99 and 44
One hundred percent pure!

What can the matter be?
Nobody makes a pass at me!

I don't know
Oh dear