No Clue

I'm just sitting by this pond, recollecting my thoughts
Retracing every step, to find the right cause
Behind of how it feels, to fallen this far off
Yet finding time to heal, all these broken parts

Of course I find it hard, reopening my scars
While knowing emotions could probably tear me apart
What lies on my heart, is a lot of lies I told
Like I’ve been smoking weed since 8 years ago
Take it as medication cuz I can't let go
Of shit that I've been dealing with since I was 8 years old

Now it came too close, feel like I wanna fold
The pressure I’m under has really taken it's toll
The signs are physical now, tension in my bones
Cuz I fainted weeks ago, then I lost control

Rushed to hospital, by my sister who drove
To pick me up at where I was, remember I felt cold
____

Sitting on this bench alone, no clue what's going on
She never once hung up the phone, to keep company
Cuz I didn't feel strong

I owe my sister so much for that
I donno how I could pay you back
We share the same crazy past
Deadbeat dads, with no strings attached
____

Forced to grow up fast, no time to pass
Thinking we could've prevented what we happen to have
Bottled up inside of us, as we put it on tab
Now every bottle that breaks, my body reacts

Started having these fucking panic attacks
Guess I was afraid that I will never get back
The trust in myself I needed to fill in the gap
From falling even deeper then what I previously had

Even started meditating, once I couldn't be medicated
Isolated myself cuz I was this agitated
Couldn't escape it, had to face this hate with
A little bit of time, and a lot of patience

____

Sitting on this bench alone, no clue whats going on
Trying so hard to stay strong, sometimes the change
Takes too long

I got myself to blame for that
I donno how I could make it back
Already wasted a lot in fact
I know now the time we have to map
____

Out, everything that we wanted to change
Takes a lot of dedication, in order to fade
All these altercations, that got in the way
Been feeling this addiction, every minute that I'm awake

Difficult to explain, the way my body works
Been sober for seven weeks and I got this urge
To only, be lonely and hope somebody learns
Cuz I’m afraid that I won’t, unless I find what hurts
Unless I find what hurts, I'm still on a search
And I donno what turn, leads to the answers
Cuz I’m feeling worse…