Nacho (Script)

INT. ALBUQUERQUE POLICE STATION

Keys, a pen, and an old school phone are deposited into a box. A police officer collects the items.

OFFICER: Name.

CHUCK: Charles McGill. Client visit.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

Chuck sits at the table. Saul is carried in by two guards.

SAUL: Here’s Johnny! I knew you’d come. You’re a sight for sore eyes. Looking good!

CHUCK: Jimmy.

SAUL: Sorry you had to come all this way, it’s a long way!

CHUCK: It’s a long way.

SAUL: Yeah. Sorry. The only 2 things I know about Albuquerque: Bugs Bunny should have taken a left turn there, and give me 100 tries I’ll never be able to spell it.

No response from Chuck.

SAUL: Anyway. As you can see, I’m in a bit of a pickle.

CHUCK: You certainly are. Forget the property damage and assault charges, you could face being labeled a sex offender, Jimmy. If that happens it’ll follow you the rest of your life.

SAUL: That is insane, okay! That is a trumped up load of horse crap, Chuck. Come on!

CHUCK: Is that what I tell the judge? “Trumped up load of horse crap”?

SAUL: I’m not the lawyer here, ok, but it was a simple Chicago sunroof. Sex offender. That’s not even remotely a... let’s talk strategy ok? Cause I need you to work your magic and make this whole situation go poof. You got a plan of attack, huh? Come on, I know I haven’t made it easy for you, but you are, you are the man! I know you got a million legal loopholes that we can dance through. Big bag of tricks, you know? Any clever technicalities, huh? Any reasonable doubt type stuff? Come on, Chuck.

CHUCK: I haven’t seen you in, what, five years? We barely hear from you. Now that you’re in it up to your neck you can’t even call me yourself, you have mom call me?

SAUL: Mom took it upon herself to call you! I was just letting her know where I was.

CHUCK: You didn’t cry to her on the phone?

SAUL: What? No!

CHUCK: You didn’t cry and beg mom for help?

SAUL: Jesus! She hears what she wants to hear, ok? I’m gonna cry on a payphone in the middle of Cook County jail? Jesus! Can we talk strategy here, huh? Look, I know I’m a lousy brother. I’m a lousy brother and I’m a big screw up. And if I was just a better person, I would not only stop letting you down, you know what? I would stop letting me down. And it’s about time that I started to make both of us proud. Am I right?

CHUCK: Guard.

Chuck gets up.

SAUL: Wait! Chuck, wait wait wait wait! No no, you can’t leave me, no. If I don’t get out of this my life is over!

A guard comes to the door, Chuck waves him off.

CHUCK: So long as you understand that.

SAUL: Yeah.

CHUCK: Jimmy, if I do this. If. Do not make a fool out of me.

SAUL: I promise I won’t.

CHUCK: Everything you’re doing, everything you’re involved with, that’s over.

SAUL: Just tell me what to do. Whatever it is, I’ll do it. Just say it. Please, Chuck? Help me.

END COLD OPEN

INT. NAIL SALON - NIGHT

Saul fills up a cup of cucumber water and mixes it with vodka. He takes a sip then pulls out the matchbook with Nacho’s number on it. He hesitates then presses call.

FEMALE VOICE: Hello?

SAUL: Hey. It’s me.

She turns her lights on and we see that it’s Kim.

KIM: Jimmy? What’s… Jesus, what time is it?

SAUL: The clock says 2, but I think that might be Ho Chi Minh’s timezone.

KIM: What? What’s happening? Is Chuck alright?

SAUL: Yeah. Chuck… Chuck is Chuck. Everything’s alright. But I just wanted to call you, so, uh… hey, what ya doin’?

KIM: Jimmy. No. I’m not talking dirty to you.

SAUL: What? You think that’s the only reason that I’d call you at this time of night? I mean can you just give me a little bit of credit, ok?

KIM: And you’re not talking dirty to me either.

SAUL: OK, bye.

KIM: I knew it.

SAUL: Uh, joking. Just joking having fun with you. I am calling you tonight with quality PG phone conversation. PG-13 at worst.

KIM: Uh-huh.

SAUL: Hand to God. But, if you hang up now and drive straight over, limited time only I’m offering a free pedicure and foot bath.

KIM: Is that right? Wow, maybe next time.

SAUL: Hey, more for me. You’re, uh, probably swamped with work anyways, what, with that big, fat, giant case falling right into your lap.

KIM: Which case is that?

SAUL: I don’t know, some, uh, some county official or something? It was all in the papers.

KIM: Craig Kettleman.

SAUL: Craig Kettleman! The primo client your dipwad boss stole right out from under me.

KIM: Nobody stole anybody. The Kettlemans made a choice.

SAUL: Yeah, so did the Donner Party when they took that shortcut.

KIM: Come on, Jimmy, Hamlin is not that bad. And I’m gonna be second chair if it ever goes to trial, so… be happy for me.

SAUL: Hey, how much exactly did Kettleman get away with?

KIM: Uh, excuse me, innocent until proven guilty?

SAUL: Uh, excuse me, but I’m a taxpayer in this county, I think I have a right to know. And besides, it’s not like I’m his lawyer or anything.

KIM: I have to go to sleep. So do you, I know you have court in the morning.

SAUL: He got away with $1 million, $1.6 million, at least?

KIM: I’m not talking details of the case with you, goodnight.

SAUL: Where do you stash all that dough? I mean, besides for buying that idiotic boat. Hello! Guilty!

KIM: Hanging up now.

SAUL: This guy, he’s probably a target. Somebody might get some bad, bad ideas. You know, if Kettleman isn’t careful with that money, I mean, his whole family could be in danger.

KIM: What do you mean “danger”? Jimmy, why would you say that?

SAUL: What?

KIM: You said the family might be in danger.

SAUL: I did? I, oh, I, uh… I’m drunk. So I’m just, uh, thinking out loud. I’m up spinning, uh, spinning thoughts.

KIM: You sure?

SAUL: Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah. So I will see you down in the court bowels manana. Goodnight, Kim.

KIM: Goodnight, Jimmy.

They hang up.

SAUL (to himself): I’m no hero.

INT. SAUL’S OFFICE

Saul lies restless on the pullout couch in his office. He jolts up, heads to the supply cabinet, and unrolls an entire roll of paper towels. He takes the tube, grabs a rubber band and a memo note and heads out.

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

Saul gets out of his car at a payphone, and uses the rubber band to cover the end of the paper towel roll with an elastic. He goes to the payphone and makes the call.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Hello! You’ve reached the Kettlemans! Please leave a message for Craig, Betsy, Warren, and JoJo after the beep!

Saul hangs up and redials.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Hello! You’ve reached the Kettlemans! Please leave a message…

Saul hangs up again. He contemplates then dials one more time.

CRAIG: Hello.

SAUL (into tube): Kettlemans, you’re in danger, you’re in danger!

INT. KETTLEMAN HOUSE

CRAIG: I’m sorry, what?

BETSY: Craig, who is it?

CRAIG: Honey, I’m not sure. Wait, say that again?

Craig puts it on speakerphone.

SAUL (over phone): They know about your money, watch out!

CRAIG: Yeah, what are you trying to say?

SAUL: This is a warning, you’re in danger, they’re coming for your money. This is a friendly stranger, your whole family’s in danger, the money - they know about the money!

BETSY: You have a terrible connection.

SAUL: I’m warning you. They know about your money. Be careful.

BETSY: Can you call back on a better line?

SAUL (without tube): Kettlemans, you’re in danger, they’re coming for your money, bye!

Saul hangs the phone up and gets back in his car.

CRAIG: What did he say? We’re --

BETSY: --in danger. “They’re coming”? Who? Who’s coming?

The Kettlemans walk to their window and see a figure creeping around their yard with a flashlight.

INT. COURTHOUSE BATHROOM - DAY

SAUL: OK, how bout this, time served plus counseling.

OAKLEY: Can’t do it.

SAUL: It’s his first offense!

OAKLEY: Can’t do it, McGill.

Camera pans to show Oakley is sitting on a toilet and Saul’s talking to him from outside the stall.

SAUL: Can’t do it, can’t do it. Would you work with me here?

OAKLEY: I’m listening, aren’t I?

SAUL: Well, you’re kind of a captive audience. What did you eat for lunch, the whole roast beast?

OAKLEY: Funny.

Toilet flushes and Oakley heads to the sink.

SAUL: Okay, okay, hear me out. The thirty he’s done, which is a 60 credit, plus 60 additional days.

OAKLEY: Can’t do it.

SAUL: Best offer: six months, plus the time he’s done, half time for good behaviour, out in 90. That’s my final.

OAKLEY: That’s never gonna happen.

SAUL: Oh come on, are you joking? That is the best deal you’re gonna get.

Oakley goes to dry his hands.

OAKLEY: I can’t do it. The guy drove drunk into a shopping center and killed three people.

SAUL: Wait. Shopping center? Desmond Rojas. Armed robbery, liquor store. He assaulted a cashier with a bottle of Kahlua.

OAKLEY (sheepish): Oh. I was thinking of Daryl Redwood. Yeah, okay, my bad. Desmond Rojas. Ok, go, start over.

Saul grabs Oakley’s folder of cases.

SAUL: I am not starting over. I’m busting my nut here everyday for $700 a throw, inhaling your B.M. which is straight from Satan’s bung hole, and you can’t tell one defendant from another? 90 days with good behaviour, we’re doing this.

OAKLEY: Okay, yeah.

SAUL: Say it. Say the words. “I accept the deal”.

OAKLEY: Yeah, I accept the deal.

Saul gives the folder back and Oakley leaves the room. Saul’s phone rings.

SAUL (into phone): Good morning… What did you mean “what did I mean”... I, no, I told you I was drunk, I just… Kim, why are you asking me this?

EXT. TOLL BOOTH

Saul’s car pulls up to the toll.

SAUL: Dammit. Here. I’m in a real rush. I didn’t have time to get the validation.

Saul hands Mike the ticket, Mike hands it back.

MIKE: Fine, 9 bucks.

Mike goes back to his crossword.

SAUL: I don’t have it. I have 5. Please?

MIKE: You know the drill, money or the validation.

SAUL: Look, this is an emergency, a serious, serious emergency, I have to get out of here. I promise, on the souls of my forefathers, I will get you the stickers when I come back I will get you extra if you just let me go.

Nothing from Mike.

SAUL: Fine! Fine! You're gonna make me walk back and get the stickers?! I will walk back and get the stickers!

MIKE: I’m not making you do anything, those are the rules.

SAUL: Hey, whatever helps you sleep at night.

Saul pushes the button to let himself by when Mike isn’t looking.

SAUL: Screw you, geezer!

EXT. KETTLEMAN HOUSE

Many cars are parked outside and the police have roped off the area. Saul gets out of his car and sees Howard walking towards him. He briefly makes eye contact with Kim who shrugs at him.

HOWARD: Jimmy. What brought you here?

SAUL: Me, I was surfing the police scanner, I heard there was big activity up this way.

HOWARD: Well, there's no business for you here, so maybe next time.

SAUL: Uh, it was a home invasion? Are the Kettlemans okay?

HOWARD: Uh, we don't know. A neighbor was walking the dog last night and saw the front door wide open. The place was ransacked. No sign of the family. There's no note, so… we're still figuring it out. I got to get back.

SAUL: Yeah, yeah. Of course. Good luck.

Howard walks away, Kim walks towards Saul.

KIM: Why did you come here?

SAUL: I'm just supporting a friend in her time of need.

KIM: You want to be supportive? Tell me why you said those things last night.

SAUL: I'm just reading tea leaves, same way I knew the Kettlemans needed a lawyer. All that money floating out there It's logical somebody would come after it.

KIM: So, the same night you worry about them, they… disappear?

SAUL: Yeah, it's crazy. It's Ripley's.

KIM: Jimmy, it's not just Craig and Betsy Kettleman It's their two kids, as well. You would say something if you could help find them, right?

SAUL: I don’t know what happened. Really, I don’t know.

KIM: The longer you stay here, the more explaining I have to do to Hamlin. I'll talk to you later.

SAUL: Hey, you'll tell me if there's anything I can do?

Saul walks back to his car.

INT. SAUL’S CAR

SAUL (to himself): Everything is gonna be fine. It's gonna work out. A-okay. It's gonna be fine.

Saul pulls over at a payphone. He dials the number Nacho wrote on the matchbook.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Nacho. Leave it.

SAUL: Uh, yes, I'm, uh… This is the party you spoke to the other day. Uh, and I sincerely want to help you… de-escalate your situation, uh, legally and otherwise. Um, so call me at 146-8729 at your earliest convenience. But soon, please.

Saul hangs up, waits, then dials again.

ANSWERING MACHINE: Nacho. Leave it.

SAUL: Yeah, Nacho, hi. Uh, ust to clarify, look, I don't know anything. I have spoken to no one, and, uh, there are no rats on this ship. But...for the sake of everyone involved, I would just like to open a dialogue. So 146-8729. Call me when you get this.

Saul hangs up, tries to compose himself, then runs back over to the phone, spilling quarters and dropping the phone.

SAUL: If I didn't say it before, time is of the essence on this matter, so, uh, I'm gonna hang up now. If you're trying to call, uh, there's no call waiting here. If you get a busy signal, just keep trying. I'll be here.

Saul hangs up then redials.

SAUL: I can put out this fire, if there is a fire. By hope of hopes, this is all a big misunderstanding. 146-8729.

Saul hangs up then sits down on the curb to calm down. The payphone rings.

SAUL: Hello? Hello? Nacho? Nacho.

The other line cuts out. Saul looks around him to check if he’s being watched. Saul gets in his car, can’t start it, and sees a man walking towards his car so he gets out.

SAUL (to himself): Walking, just walking. Just strolling along.

He gets around the corner then starts sprinting. Two men with guns start chasing after him. A cop car pulls up.

SAUL: Thank god! Help, help!

DETECTIVE 1: Down! Show us your hands!

SAUL: You guys are cops?!

They force him to the ground and cuff him.

SAUL: Ow, I got bad knees! Officers, you’re making a mistake! My name’s McGill, James McGill. I’m an attorney. Easy! Easy!

They take his wallet and check his ID.

DETECTIVE 1: It’s his lawyer.

SAUL: Whose lawyer?!

EXT. INTERROGATION ROOM - ABQ JAIL

Saul looks into a window and sees Nacho cuffed to the table.

SAUL: You sure he asked for me?

DETECTIVE 2: You going in or what?

Saul enters the room.

INT. INTERROGATION ROOM

SAUL: Hey! You asked for me, and I have come. I gotta tell you, this was a wise move. Very smart. Because I'm here to help everyone, all parties, but mostly you. Uh, those two detectives - they just gave me an earful. And what they were telling me is it's problematic. I'm gonna pitch it back to you so I know we're on the same page. A neighbor lady saw a suspicious van parked across the street from the Kettlemans' house two nights in a row. She wrote down the license plate. It was your license plate. Cops tracked your van and you, searched it, and found blood on the floor. So. Here we are. They're calling the FBI in on this, which makes it federal. That's a bad thing, Nacho. That's that's very bad, but if you tell me where the family is, if if you give them up now Full cooperation, deep remorse I feel very good about knocking your sentence down to the minimum 18 years. They take this good-behavior thing very seriously, so start here, right here. Tell me the family is okay. Tell me the kids are okay. You want to tell me your thoughts and weigh in? Does this sound like a plan that you can get behind?

NACHO: You miserable piece of shit. You set me up.

SAUL: I what?

NACHO: You gave my score to another crew, and now you're setting me up.

SAUL: I... what? The what? Did the cops beat you? 'Cause you're talking like a person with head trauma.

NACHO: You think you're funny?

SAUL: What are you saying? Are you saying that you had nothing to do with this? That was your van outside the house. You weren’t there?

NACHO: Yeah, I was there. I was casing the place, figuring out the best way in and out, what time they went to bed all that. They were fine when I left. That's it.

SAUL: You had nothing to do with the Kettlemans?

NACHO: I was never in the house.

SAUL: What about the blood in your van?

NACHO: They DNA my ride, all they're gonna find is the blood of your skate-rat twins, plus whatever piss and shit you leaked out when you were in there. Nobody's been in the back of that van since.

SAUL: I don't understand.

NACHO: Here's what I understand, counselor. I told my plan to one other person. One. You. Now here I am, under arrest. Go figure.

SAUL: I don't know anything about a setup or another crew.

NACHO: You know what? I don't even care. The cops are out there right now, poking into my business, and if they find something on me or my partners, for real, it's gonna be bad for you. Really bad.

SAUL: Bad? Bad, as in...

NACHO: You get me out of here, today or you're a dead man.

EXT. INTERROGATION ROOM

Kim is waiting outside. Saul exits the room.

SAUL: Well, hey.

KIM: I asked if you knew anything.You didn't tell me you were representing the lead suspect.

SAUL: I didn't know it at the time.

DETECTIVE 1: He give up anything?

SAUL: What?

DETECTIVE 2: Did he tell you where the family is?

SAUL: He doesn't know.

DETECTIVE 1: What does that mean “he doesn't know”? He gave them to somebody else?

SAUL: He doesn't know because he didn't do it.

DETECTIVE 2: Ah, Christ. Give me a break.

KIM: Guys, can you give us just a minute?

The two detectives walk away.

KIM: Jimmy, that family is in real danger. You don't have to stand behind attorney-client privilege.

SAUL: I'm not.

DETECTIVE 1: These people can be buried in a box, sucking air through a straw right now.

SAUL: And I'm sorry if that's where they are, but my guy didn't do it.

KIM: How are you so sure?

SAUL: You know what you're gonna do? You're gonna get your special CSI people, right? And you're gonna test the blood from that van, because I guarantee you, one billion percent, it's not the Kettlemans'.

DETECTIVE 2: Whose is it?

SAUL: It's not the Kettlemans'. Just test it.

DETECTIVE 2: That'll take weeks, if we could even get a DNA sample to compare it to.

SAUL: Well, isn't that convenient? You've got an innocent man in there right now, who I demand you release with an apology!

DETECTIVE 1: Look, there are no other suspects. There's no evidence that points to anyone else.

SAUL: Well, then, I want to see the crime scene, 'cause you guys are missing something.

DETECTIVE 2: Screw you, "missing something.”

KIM: No, detectives, I, um I think that's a good idea.

DETECTIVE 2: A good idea?

KIM: Yes. I think we should invite Mr. McGill to the house.

DETECTIVE 1: Why?

SAUL: Yeah, why?

INT. KETTLEMAN HOUSE - LIVING ROOM

Close-up on a Kettleman family picture. JoJo is holding a doll.

DETECTIVE 2: So, what did we miss?

Overhead shot of a seemingly ransacked living room.

INT. KETTLEMAN HOUSE - BOY’S BEDROOM

KIM: This is the son’s room, Warren. 12 years old.

INT. KETTLEMAN HOUSE - GIRL’S BEDROOM

KIM: JoJo’s room. She’s seven.

Saul looks at another family picture of the 4 Kettlemans plus the doll.

SAUL: Alright you wanted me to crack? Mission accomplished. But I’m telling you, my client didn’t do this.

DETECTIVE 1: We know Varga was outside the house the night the family disappeared. That is a fact.

DETECTIVE 2: Advocate for the guy all you want after we get these people back safe. In the meantime, help us.

SAUL: Where's the doll?

KIM: Where's the what?

SAUL: Uh, got little shoes, a bunch of clothes, a table and chairs, hairbrush, but where's the doll that goes with all this stuff? In every picture of this little girl, she's holding the same doll. So, where's the doll?

KIM: What does it matter?

SAUL: Doll is gone, girl is gone, which means doll and girl are most likely together, which means--

KIM: I have no idea what that means.

SAUL: Which means the kid wasn't dragged out of the house. Ipso facto...

KIM: Wait. Wait. What are you saying?

SAUL: Maybe the Kettlemans kidnapped themselves.

DETECTIVE 2: That's it. You're done. Let's go.

SAUL: I it makes perfect sense.

KIM: How does it make sense? Why would they do that?

SAUL: They stole a million dollars-plus, right? You you want to get away with all that yummy cash, what do you do, run? No, you can't. If you run, everyone knows you're guilty. Ah! But if you're kidnapped, you're a victim, right? They staged this to throw everyone off. You guys are looking in the wrong place. Who knows how many miles into Mexico or Canada they could be? You you got to put the word out.

SAUL (cont’d): Oh, come on. You don't think it's possible I'm right?

DETECTIVE 1: It's possible. Unlikely.

SAUL: Unlikely?

DETECTIVE 2: All their cars are here. There's no record of a taxi or car service to the house, and they didn't get on any planes or buses or trains.

SAUL: You checked all that?

DETECTIVE 1: Yes, we checked it. And the doll, it's not news. We saw it was missing.

SAUL: So where is it?

DETECTIVE 2: The girl was scared, crying. Bad guy lets the kid take the doll to shut her up. (mocking) What? You don't think that's possible?

SAUL (to Kim): I need to talk to you. Alone.

EXT. KETTLEMAN HOUSE

SAUL: I gotta tell you something on the Q.T., and promise not to be upset with me.

KIM: No way am I making that promise.

SAUL: I called the Kettlemans. After I hung up with you, I gave them a warning call.

KIM: A warning call?

SAUL: Yeah, I was worried my guy Varga was going after their money. And he was. He was gonna rip them off. I deduced it from a conversation that we had. It was lawyer to client, so there was, you know, confidentiality issues. But I called the Kettlemans anonymously to warn them.

KIM: Anonymously? You didn't oh, God, you didn't.. you didn't do the sex-robot voice, did you?

SAUL: I did, with the tube and the whole thing, which probably scared the living shit out of them, and they took off, which, you know, file that under "unintended consequences," but you you believe me now?

KIM: Uh…

Kim nods.

SAUL: Great. Now we have to find them. I mean or, better yet, get the cops to let Varga go because right now my ass is on a highway to the danger zone.

KIM: Well, why are you in danger?

SAUL: Nacho Varga. He didn't kidnap the family. But he's a bad guy. He's a very bad guy. And if the cops keep pushing him, they're gonna find something. And when that happens, Nacho blames me, and then his guys turn me into a meat pinata.

KIM: Jimmy, tell the police.

SAUL: No, there's no there's no way I'm gonna rat on this guy. I will never be safe. No, I have to convince the cops that I'm right, get them to stop looking at Nacho, and catch the Kettlemans on the run.

KIM: And if they never catch them?

SAUL: The Kettlemans? Well, you've met these people, right? They're they're not exactly masterminds, right? They will be caught if the cops are looking for them, so you tell them to, would you? The FBI, too I heard they're getting in on this.

KIM: Why would the FBI listen to me?

SAUL: Well, Hamlin They'll listen to him, right? APD, at least. You you talk to Howard. You explain things to him. He has clout with these people.

Kim shakes her head.

SAUL: What? Is is that a no or...

KIM: Hamlin will never agree to it. The Kettlemans are our clients. This would mean incriminating them.

SAUL: Oh, you you see? This is why people hate lawyers.

KIM: It's Hamlin's call, and Hamlin will never agree. And even if it were up to me, you know I couldn't. I'm sorry, I just...

SAUL: I get it.

Saul walks away.

KIM: Where are you going?

SAUL: I'm gonna go talk to Nacho. I'll try to make him see reason. To beg!

EXT. TOLL BOOTH

Saul pushes the ticket button but nothing happens.

SAUL: Come on!

Mike does nothing to help.

SAUL: Right. Yeah. Hey. I was a jerk, okay? So, I will I will pay you what I owe you, plus interest, if you just let me come through.

MIKE: I suggest you find parking somewhere else.

SAUL: Somewhere else, as in... Where somewhere else?

MIKE: Not my concern.

SAUL: Uh, actually, uh, this is your job, so, by definition, it's your concern. So pump out the ticket and open the stupid gate already, please. I mean, I don't have time for this.

The car behind Saul beeps at him. Saul gets out of his car.

SAUL: I’m gonna park right here!

Mike gets out of the booth.

MIKE: I don’t think you want to be doing that.

SAUL: Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do? You got a poop-filled diaper in there? Are you gonna throw it at me? You gonna gum me to death, huh, geezer?

Saul puts his hand on Mike and Mike quickly disarms him. Saul screams in pain.

INT. ABQ JAIL

DETECTIVE 2 (to Mike): We're talking about a family Mom, dad, two kids.

DETECTIVE: Lawyer's got this bullshit theory about them staging this and running off with the money. You know the story?

MIKE: Yeah, county treasurer, embezzled funds. I read the paper.

DETECTIVE 2: Yeah, well, we got this gangbanger dead to rights. Only problem is your guy over there.

DETECTIVE 1: He needs to help us get his scumbag client to talk. So, what do you say? You on board?

DETECTIVE 2: Help us do some good.

MIKE: Sure.

The two detectives and Mike walk over to Saul.

DETECTIVE 2: Okay, here's the deal You assaulted this man.

SAUL: Give me a break. I barely touched the guy.

DETECTIVE 1: But you laid hands on him first.

SAUL: Finger I laid finger on him.

DETECTIVE 2: Well, whatever your interpretation, it was still an assault.

DETECTIVE 1: Now, this gentleman is willing to let this go, not press charges, if you help us out. You got to get your client to tell us where he has the family stashed.

SAUL: Wait, guys, I'm the definition of a broken record on this one. Nacho is "not-cho" man, comprendo? Nobody took the Kettlemans. The Kettlemans took themselves!

DETECTIVE 2: You're gonna keep playing that line, it's gonna go rough.

SAUL: You know what? Do your worst.

DETECTIVE 2: All right, let's go to booking.

SAUL: Yeah, sure. Fine. Perfect end to a perfect day.

MIKE: Hey, guys, wait a second. I changed my mind.

DETECTIVE 1: I'm sorry. What?

MIKE: I don't want to press charges.

DETECTIVE 2: We talked about this. You want to press charges.

MIKE: No. No, I don't.

DETECTIVE 1: What are you doing, buddy? I thought you had our backs.

MIKE: No, I don't think I said that, buddy.

DETECTIVE 2: So, what you get a chance to do the right thing and you puss out?

MIKE: Mm. Yeah. Well, I guess it's my loss.

Mike walks away.

SAUL: Hey, Cagney, Lacey. When you realize how wrong you are about all this, I'll take an edible arrangement as a sorry. Heavy on the pineapple.

Saul follows Mike.

SAUL: Hey. Hold up. How come you let me off the hook back there?

MIKE: Look, I'm going back to work. Why don't you quit while you're ahead and go on your way?

SAUL: No, I refuse to believe it's because you have something resembling a heart inside your body.

MIKE: You're not gonna have a heart inside your body in about five seconds.

SAUL: Okay, don't tell me, all right? I already know why you did it.

MIKE: Yeah? Why is that?

SAUL: 'Cause you believe me. That family kidnapped themselves.

MIKE: All right, I believe you.

SAUL: I knew it! I knew it! Finally, someone believes me! Why do you believe me?

MIKE: I heard the details. Your story makes sense.

SAUL: Of course it does! But (snaps fingers) Devil's advocate like the cops said, uh, the Kettlemans' cars are still at their house. There's no record of them leaving. How'd they get out of the country?

MIKE: They didn't. Odds are, they didn't get out of their neighborhood.

SAUL: What? What? They... come again?

MIKE: Look when I was still on the job back in Philly, we had this case

SAUL: Whoa, hold up. Hold up. Now, wait. "On the job," as in you were a cop on the job?

MIKE: This bookie disappeared after the Super Bowl. Cowboys/Steelers. Took $6 million in bets and skipped town when things didn't go his way. Now, everybody thought he was on the beach in the Bahamas or dead in the Jersey pine barrens. Wasn't the case. He was two doors down from where he lived in a foreclosed house. Hid there for six months without anyone suspecting.

SAUL: But why? Why not run?

MIKE: Now, that's what everybody expects. It's human nature to want to stay close to home, and if this Kettleman figured out how to do it, that's what he did. Nobody wants to leave home.

EXT. KETTLEMAN HOUSE - DAY

Saul pulls in front of the Kettlemans house and scouts the area. He sees a camping sticker on the back window of their car, heads to the backyard and sees an open gate. He walks out the gate and down a nature trail as “Find Out What’s Happening” plays.

EXT. FOREST - NIGHT

VOICES (O.S.): B-I-N-G-O! B-I-N-G-O! B-I-N-G-O! And Bingo was his name-o!

Saul walks towards the voices and sees a pitched tent.

KETTLEMANS: There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was his name-o. B-i-n-g-o, B-i-n-g-o, B-i-n-g-o, and Bingo was his name-o. There was a farmer had a dog and Bingo was his name-o. (Clap) i-n-g-o, (clap) o-n-g-o (clap) i-n-g-o, and Bingo was his name-o.

Saul makes a call on his cell phone.

KETTLEMANS: There was a farmer had a dog, and Bingo was his name-o. (2 claps) n-g-o, (2 claps) n-g-o

SAUL: Hey, it's me. Listen to this.

Saul holds his phone up.

KETTLEMANS: (2 claps) n-g-o, and Bingo was his name-o. There was a farmer had a dog...

SAUL: You hear that? I found your dumbass clients.

KETTLEMANS: (3 claps) g-o, (3 claps) g-o, (3 claps) g-o

SAUL: It's a long story.

KETTLEMANS: - and Bingo was his name-o.

SAUL: Look, I'm I'm taking them back to their place. We'll meet you there. Give me a couple hours.

KETTLEMANS: (4 claps) o, (4 claps) o, (4 claps) o...

INT. TENT

KETTLEMANS: ...and Bingo was his name-o.

CRAIG: Yay! That was great, guys.

BETSY: Yeah, I think we have time for one more before bed.

WARREN: Do we have to?

CRAIG: Oh, hey, I don't know about you, but I would love a little "John Jacob Jingleheimer Schmidt".

BETSY: Yeah, and and you know what? Let's really have fun with this one, okay, Kettle team? Let’s do this! And--

Saul unzips the tent.

SAUL: Here’s Johnny!

All the Kettlemans scream.

SAUL: Hey Warren, hey Jojo, sorry about that, I’m your uncle Jimmy, alright. Now your parents are gonna take you down the mountain back to your house, that sound good?

BETSY: Uh, we...

SAUL: Yeah, see? They're excited.

CRAIG: Mr. McGill, can we talk about this?

SAUL: No, we can't, okay? You're done here. Pack up your stuff, bury your scat, 'cause we're heading back. Civilization awaits.

WARREN: Finally.

BETSYL Uh, look, could please, could we just talk this through, okay?

SAUL: It's not an option. You either do this on your own recognizance or the cops come and drag you by your heels. Let’s go. Kettlemans, time to ship out.

Saul reaches for Betsy’s bag.

BETSY: No. No!

SAUL: Yes, you are!

BETSY: No!

SAUL: This is happening!

They tug back and forth on the bag.

BETSY: No, this is not happening!

SAUL: Yes, it is! (grunts) Yes! Kettlemans!

BETSY: No!

SAUL: Yes, you are doing this now!

BETSY: No!

The bag rips opens and rolls of $100 dollar bills spill out.

SAUL: Yeah.

END EPISODE