My Wife

It’s been a while since I’ve been home to Chicago. I got married since then. [Applause] Thank you. I married my wife. I love saying “my wife.” It sounds so adult. “That’s my wife.” It’s great, you sound like a person.

I said it even before we were married. We were just dating, and we were once getting on an airplane, and Anna’s ticket didn’t say anything and my ticket said “priority access.” It doesn’t matter why. But we were getting on and I said, “Uh, can my wife board with me?”

And they were like, “Yes, of course. Right this way.”

And I was like, “Oh, that is so much better than all those times I was like, [whiny] ‘Can my girlfriend come?'”

And, yeah, I shouldn’t have said it that way, but still.

“My wife” just has some kick-ass to it, you know? “Get away from my wife! No one talk to my wife!” Marriage is gonna be very magical. “I didn’t kill my wife!” That’s like, “Ooh, who’s that fella? I bet he did kill his wife.”