My History Thus Far

I grew up in Montana, yes
Sometimes we would get up and we would have a snow drift
Covering up to the roof line
I remember I had to climb out through the window
And go to the garage and get some shovels
And shovel a path to the front door
To reveal the front door, which is completely encased in snow
And then we'd have to deal with black ice
The blackest of blackest of blackest of blackest of blackest of blackest of blackest of ice
Oh, the snow is very nice

The school system in Montana never closed for bad weather
Never once and didn't understand
So you'd see tons of cars moving at two miles per hour with the blizzard
It was really weird, but you would see lots of kids in the classroom
Approximately two-thirds or so, because a third of them were transplants from another area that didn't know how to handle the weather either
And that's how it went
The hallways were dripping with water, very moist, yes
All the people were nice, but not the boys
They would take snowballs and put rocks and pebbles inside
And throw them at your ass

Then I moved to a little place
Called the Big Apple, Big Apple, oh yeah yeah
I lived on 3rd and C with a very good bunch of company, yes
A playwright, a playwright, and an editor, and an editor
And a playwright, it was a seven floor walk-up, walk-up, walk-up, walk-up, fuck that shit
It was very far away from any public transportation
Man that also really sucked
I didn't make enough to take a cab
So I was walking a lot, I had to plan ahead
To figure out if there was gonna be any delay
Beyond the walk that I had to do
You see, I was the kind of person that likes to wait until the last minute to do anything
It really fucks you up when you're not really close to transportation and shit, you know what I'm sayin'?

But then I had the chance to move to Brooklyn, Brooklyn Heights
Brooklyn, Brooklyn, Brooklyn Heights, yes
Bad idea
Oh yes, there's the promenade
Oh yes, there's beautiful brown snow
But then you have to deal with stupid-ass college kids with their stupid cigarettes and their attitudes
But most of all MacLaren strollers, MacLaren strollers
With ethnic nannies, ethnic nannies, eth-nic-nannies
White babies, MacLaren strollers, and ethnic nannies
I thought I was going to die of boredom, oh (oh)
I'm sure it's fine if you need a MacLaren stroller and a nanny
But to me that's not a very good time
So I dreamt of moving to a place of cliches
A circus assortment of human frames
People who knew the meaning of irony, rony, rony, rony

I moved to the Williamsburg
The pretty, pretty, pretty, pretty Williamsburg
Moved to 3rd Ave and Y right next to a wonderful diner called Relish, Relish, Relish
Nice lovely people that work inside of Relish, Relish
I relish...best burger in town
One of them, yeah
I lived with a guy who was super smart
He was super smart
He started an internet company with some friends
Made a lot, a lot of money
He was enterprising, his brain was go, go, go, go, go
We did a lot of little projects, video and otherwise
We had a good time, we had a fellowship of the druggish kind, yeah

I love living by the L, arguably the best train as long as you live off Bedford stop, yeah
Because it's just a straight shot across town
And that's always the shittiest part of Manhattan
To get from one side to the other, up and down's not so bad
I liked the shape and attitude of the people because it was very funny
That we all acted like we couldn't see each other
But really we were checking the various forms of jewelry and clothing that we were wearing
The various unkempt states of presenting oneself
So that it looks as though you probably don't have a job
And that is part of the look
Because it makes you feel as though you're filtering people that you do not want to deal with on a day to day basis
It's the protectionist reaction, yeah
So if you have a problem with people that identify themselves as hipsters
Well, it's just a classification that likes to insulate itself so that it's not infiltrated
Even though they're infiltrating themselves by making facsimiles and copies of themselves within their own population, yeah, oh yeah yeah

But I love all the little variations
The people that live in the various areas
Because when you need help, people in New York are surprisingly helpful
They forget all the costumes that they're wearing
And they just get to the matter and pragmatically solve it so that they can move on throughout their day, oh yes
That's living in New York City
(distorted)
Now I don't live anywhere
I haven't since that place I lived with the internet guy went away in March, March, March
I've been on airplane, then another airplane
Then an airplane, another airplane, continent
Airplane, another continent
Airplane, another country airplane
Airplane, here's an airport
I have a preference of airports, that's a lot of flying
I thought that I was dying

I didn't know where home was, I still don't really know
But I planned it so I'd be here for a month and a half, at least
So now I feel like I live here, yes
I feel like I live here
I think that someday a place will fall from the sky
I know it takes work and stuff, but you know
When sometimes you're a guy and you don't have a lot of patience
And you just can't figure out how it is to talk to a broker
Or look in the paper and actually do the footwork
To look at spaces and things like that
Because since I've lived in New York, people have just said
Hey, why don't you live here, and it's worked like that
So I'm used to that form of reality accommodating in that way
So I guess it forms a type of laziness
But I'm rather productive in a creative way
So I kind of rationalize my lack of behavior to be
Kind of initiative in that kind of a way, you know
Towards finding a living space
That's what we do, it's part of the rat race
That's what we do, that's what we do

But then there's Facebook
You can ask anyone on the Facebook
Do you have a little place?
Do you have a little place that I can stay? Yes
Sure enough, the singer from Thievery Corporation
I don't even know her very well
She said that she was going on vacation
And I could stay at her place just off the, off the Graham stop
A really wonderful location if you like White Castle
If you like White Castle, (the castle of whiteness)
Her place is lovely, I rather like it
She lives like I'd like to live
But I got so used to not paying rent for the last four years of my life
It's hard for me to rationalize that
Instead I buy an iPhone and an extra computer, yes
And some gadgets, a camera that has a twelve times optical lens
But still relatively inexpensive but with stereo microphones embedded
So it's a small version of a high quality instrument that you would normally pay for

I like to take vacations
I like to stay in places that are really strange
And if my friend says, I'm in Berlin, would you like to join me?
I say, okay because I'm not paying rent
I have enough money to tend an airfare over there, maybe I can get a gig
So I ask my manager and she says
Well, I don't know that market very well, but I'll see what I can do
She doesn't give me a gig, but that's okay because she got me this gig
And this is a pretty cool gig, and it's got, you know, see all this stuff that's on display

But see, life is pretty good
Life is pretty great, gnome sayin'?
Life is pretty awesome
Like for instance, this is my last example, here we go:

I hurt my back, four years--four days ago
Same notes, shorter, four days ago, yeah
It hurt real bad, I could barely walk, it was my lower back
I didn't know what the fuck was going on
I never experienced anything like that before
Oh no no, yes
But then the next day, a friend of mine, she's a photographer
And she's really cool but I rarely get to see her
She's really busy, and that's what happens in New York
People that you want to hang out with, you never get to
Because they're always busy doing other projects and shit
You know how that works, yes, I think you do, yes you do
Oh yes it's true, yes, so it here it goes, scooby shoobeedoo
Yeah, so she gave me a present backstage after the first night of filming
It was a little tiny box with a lot of stickers
And rainbow stickery other things that are stickery and stickish
That kind of presented and became festooned with a kind of a logic
That was very celebratory in a mild way
And then I took off that stuff and then I opened the box
And there were three Vicodin, three Vicodin
Sewn across their middles inside of a jewelry stuff
That fit perfectly to match the dimensions of that box
How wonderful is that? I don't even really know her that well
But she reached out and gave me something
That made me feel rather swell
Oh yes, it's a wonderful life, yes, oh yeah, a wonderful life

I didn't think so, that was many days ago
I said, why is this happening before I'm filming?
And then someone gave me some Ibuprofen
And Ibuprofen is closely related to Aspirin, but I didn't know that
And I am definitely allergic to Aspirin, so I had a huge allergic reaction
I had to counteract it by physically chewing on Benadryl pills
And just before I thought I was gonna go to the hospital
I said, you know what? I think I might be okay
And then I went onstage and performed and weird shit happened

But that is life, what does the future behold?
The future? I don't know guys, but we're all in it together
We can make the future stronger, or we can make the future weaker
Either way, the future is out there
And depending on the choices that you make
You can steer yourself towards the correct reality
Although the other reality will continue to exist as well, if you want to shift into it
But in order to gain the awareness to shift into that reality
Well that requires a lot of energy
And I don't really have that kind of energy
So I generally kind of listen to the intuitive side of myself
Which hopefully guides me to the right place, but not always obviously
Because relationships are a very difficult thing for me to maintain

But what I'm trying to tell you is that I have friends
And friends above all relationships are incredibly important
And if you have a friend, remember to always love your friend
Because that friend is always going to be there
Besides the sexuality and that's incredibly important
Because you see, in the end, we lose our sexuality to a certain degree
And we need to kind of just realize that we're actually just kind of weird organizations of molecules
That kind of conform to an atmospheric content
That is a self-awareness unit that is part of a larger collective
And that's like one of those things where you're like, oh my God, whoa
You know, but nonetheless, that's probably how it is

So listen, before I go, I like to say this to you...[morse code]
(You're a genius, Reggie Watts!)
Thank you, sir, thank you, we're all geniuses.
Let's go out and destroy the world!