My Darkness and His Compassion (2010)

[My Darkness]
God, do You see this ache in my soul?
Now too deep is the pain to control
I spent my whole life numbin' and stuffin' it
With toys as a kid or the poison of lust, I would cover it
First, G.I. Joes, then weed, I'd blow
To smother it, we'd rhyme flows
I confess it's been twenty years
Of never expressin' this, suppressin' many tears
Anything, but face the pain
'Cause I knew if I did, my face would rain
Satan raped my soul, now stained with shame
Lied to me that God was the [?] blame
These emotions left me confused
Torn from the divorce and bein' sexually abused
Hurt by others, but a jerk to brothers
Dad bailed out, left with our working mother
Now fatherless, what an awful mess
Causin' us to say, “Where's God in this?”
'Cause when pops leaves you when you most honestly need him
And uses God as the reason (ugh!)
Blame-shifting
Exposed to sex at eight made my brain twisted
Perverted, distorted, but didn't spurn or abhor it
I urged more earnest to hoard it
My inner world was in a whirl
Sinful thinking would make you cringe and hurl
Images of many women girls
When giving into sin, my binge is [thorough?]
'Cause I got so much pain to cover
Rather indulge than face the ache and suffer
'Cause I got so much pain to cover
Rather indulge than face the ache and suffer

Diseased and sick
Completely convinced I need this sin I’d fiend for it
How easy the evil one deceives this twit
'Cause what I seek digs a deeper pit
What blasphemous nastiness
In that it’s my own ravenous savage sins that had me crashing this
Would I rage at the Lord with my anger galore?
So hush and listen if I sound like just a victim
I’m even more a rebel from my disgusting sinning
Hush and listen if I sound like just a victim
I’m even more a rebel from my disgusting sinning
Cause I respond in blatant rebellion
A slave to the abominations I fell in
And since this sinner profaned His honor
Hence the inner cold pain and trauma
Now all bottled up inside’s a lot of stuff to hide
Like rage, rotten lust, and pride
Plus mixed with a big list of sicknesses
Manifested in wicked addictive sins

An ugly picture
A painful victim plus shame from sinnin' make up a muddy mixture
Stirred in with this hurtin' pool of filth
Is churnin' a burden full of guilt

I'm angry at God, I vowed not to trust Him
I’ll find escape now in the rush of lustin'
Instead of turnin' to the Creator who made me
I prefer my own ways to be pain-free
To medicate the horrendous dread within
Let me get the best pleasure as my medicine
So matter o' fact, I better build a wall
Around my heart, so I can never feel at all
So the result of this is an autonomous
Idolatrous, independent, godless kid

Who's dependent on self
Refusin' to ever trust God or anyone else
Though hurt, what's worse are these evil responses
To not seek God with my deepest of longings

To avoid pain in the deepest part within
I’ll never let anyone in my heart again

[His Compassion]
But as I whore in the dark
There's Someone gently knockin' on the door of my heart
But to open up is no option, never
Remember my vow, it's closed off forever
(Who is it?) It's the King of love, the Blessed Savior
He came to dig deep like an excavator
To take your shame and heal your pain
And be your life source, your Respirator
But I've never allowed any in before
This devilish child has many sins and sores
So perhaps it's a mistake, Lord
“No, actually, you're exactly who I came for”
But I spent my life violently despising Thee
Yet Your reply is You delight in me?
Stay away from this awful, ruined soul!
But that's when You called me beautiful
I tried to just shun Him, but I'm tired of runnin'
And the Messiah really desires to come in
He's pursued me in this pit that I'm trapped in
And I can no longer resist His compassion
I'm made in Your image, but I need (to be) restored
I see Your heart of mercy beamin' forth

So I open up these doors that are bronze
Jesus, come in, bind up my sores with your gauze
You heard my cries and seen my hurt inside
I admit, my ways, they don't work, I've tried
My perverted mind's cursed with lies
To Your Word, I'm blind, my heart needs (to be) circumcised

I thought this heart was unredeemable
Too rotten, dark, the scum's uncleanable
The depths of its death, I deemed unreachable
And You're the only One who wants to clean my soul
So I invite You, Christ, come into this place
Pour Your currents of mercy, rivers of grace

Your all-powerful
Blood washes all my sin away under Your heart's waterfall (please)
So come knock down pride's awful wall
So I can love others and give God my all
You saw my cold heart, yet You're not appalled
I can't get over how You want my soul

You rightly expose the depths of my hardness
Your light has shown how wretched my heart is
But not to condemn me, to wash and then cleanse me
And reign in life over the death and the darkness
You didn't expose me to leave me feelin' dirty
But to heal and purge me and reveal Your mercy
That it's infinitely greater than my sin
And Your healing's greater than my pain that's within

And Your love's stronger than that inner vow
And Your blood conquered all my sin that's foul
Now I'm embraced and accepted as God's
Beloved, adopted, and forgiven child
Your love healing balm is a blessing
The cross is Your weapon to drive out all demonic oppression
The once dormant and freezing
Jesus, now Your love touches to the core of my being
Now please replace the lies with truth
Help me rely on You, but why would You desire to
Exchange my shame for Your righteousness
And abide in me and let me abide in You?
I felt especially misused and defiled
Since bein' sexually abused as a child
But now I'm comforted by Your gentle
Tender, precious, and beautiful smile
So I don't have to live estranged any longer
'Cause You were already cut off when slain by the Father
And no need to go back to the addiction
I'll just rest in the compassion You've given
You take pleasure in healin' damaged hearts
You renew them to be Your living canvas art

Now my heart is alive to love and to praise and to give
And encourage those enslaved to their pain and their sin
Hoisted on the Roman tree in blackness
Your voice, it groaned for me to have this
You rose to free us captives, I'm ravished
How You're now rejoicin' over me in gladness
Jesus, I give You every pain in my soul
Here's my sexuality I thought Satan had stole
Here's my sin that You paid as a whole
Here's the throne of my heart, please reign in control