ML3

I was glad to get that email from you, don't worry about it
Whatever fucked up shit came down between us, it doesn't matter anymore
People change, that's right
I figured you were off doing your own thing and you didn't remember me
I fucked over so many people, I don't expect anyone to give a shit
I've been in AA off and on for a couple of months and they make you think about what you do, so I'm better not going over people's boundaries like they say
I'm sorry for being such a shithead all of thе time back then
I make pеople into my dad and then I have these big expectations that are just stupid
I wish I didn't do that, but I still do
I just fucked up this thing with a guy here, although I have to say the guy was as much of an asshole as me
I don't have anybody right now and I get fucked up when I'm alone
I was clean for four months, but I slipped and everything goes to hell when I'm using, so your letter came in at a good time, 'cause I've been feeling that nobody gives a fuck
I'm sleeping in my van right now because I don't have anywhere to live and I'm getting tired of it
I was doing pretty good for a while there
I got married to this woman, Elaine; she's going to have my baby
I was with her for a while, and that was a good time in many ways, but I couldn't play it the way she wanted me to play it, so she kicked me out; that's over
She has a restraining order against me, which I deserve, because I got kind of crazy to her at the end
I don't know if you want to hear all this shit
You seem to think I was somebody special, and you always did no matter how much I fucked you over, which is why I loved you like I did, but it hasn't worked out that I'm so special
That's probably why I was such an asshole to you, because you thought I was so special, and I knew I wasn't, but I wanted you to believe it, so I wouldn't let you have what you wanted, because I knew if you did that shit for real, it wouldn't be like you thought, what you thought, because I'm just another fucking asshole like all the others, but then it got fucked up between us anyway, and later I thought I was a total prick for not letting you just have what you wanted, because you were so nice to me, and I should've given it to you, because it's probably the only thing I could've given you to thank you and show you that I cared, but I didn't, so I always felt like an asshole
I sort of wanted to do it, you know, I was just scared you'd think "big deal" because, let's face it, that's what happens
It's not like I've been a saint since I last saw you
I try not to let people have me, 'cause it always fucks me up, but then I don't keep jobs very well, and I need money, so I let people have me just so I can get by, and so that I have something in my life, so I'm not scared of that shit anymore, I don't have big hopes about it
I still had big hopes about it when I was with you
I just thought if I waited 'til I had my shit together, it wouldn't be like I wasted my life
Then that time when you started to go for it, and I freaked out, I thought I blew it
I didn't have my shit together, now I know I'll never have my shit together, so I feel like an asshole for freaking out
I don't know why you wrote to me, and I'm trying to understand why
The day I got your letter, I went to a meeting and told them about you, and asked them what they thought; I didn't tell them you tried to kill me, because they wouldn't understand, but I told them almost everything else
I suppose people think I'm a fuck-up because I slip all the time, so I don't really care what they think, but they said maybe I hadn't blown it with you, and that I shouldn't just blow you off, and that I should write you back, and be honest with you about my circumstances, and my addiction, and so on, and see what happens, so I'm trying to be honest with you, but that's not something I'm good at
I'm trying to think about this and not just say "if you still want me, you can still have sex with me, as long as you give me money"
I told them that's what I wanted to say, and they said that I should say "I love you", and "I want to be with you", and not say the money part; really, I don't care about the money part, except that I have nothing right now, so they said I should be honest with you, and that's pretty honest
Sometimes, I think the people who go to those meetings aren't being real; it's not real to think you're going to say "I love you for who you are" and "we should be together", 'cause I already blew that, and I'll be honest with you, I think the drugs are always going to be a problem for me
So, what I'm thinking is I could come stay with you for a few days and see what happens; I was thinking of driving down to the city anyway and try to get some money out of these guys I know there
I guess I'll just drive down in a couple weeks and call you, and if you wanna see me, cool, if you wanna have sex with me, that's cool, and if you feel like giving me some money afterwards, that's cool, but I'm not expecting it
You said you don't know what you want with me now, and I don't know what I want either, not just with you, but out of everything; I know I wanna go score, and I can do that, that's easy, I know I want you to have sex with me, if you still want me, and you said you do
I don't live like my life matters anymore; when I shoot dope, I don't think about if I do too much I'm gonna overdose, I do as much as I feel like to get as high as I can
When I let some fucking asshole have me for money, I don't tell him what he can't do, I just go with whatever he wants, because it's bullshit otherwise
I got married because I wanted to be with Elaine, and she wanted that, and I went for it
If you're still into that weird shit, that's the way it is; if I'm going to let you have sex with me, then you have sex with me the way you want
If I don't wake up the next morning, that's the way it is
You were the nicest person to me I ever knew, and I just fucked you over left and right, thinking I had to protect something
There's nothing to protect anymore; I gave it a shot, and it's not happening
If you want me, you can have me
I used to be so into trying to understand myself, but now I just wanna do things and not understand them