Misspent Youth

I kiss you and I can taste the girlhood
I never had
I was dead for 26 years
I feel so, so stupid for waiting
That I am so close to giving up
It’s ontological fate
Every transition is done too late

And the boys want her but pretend they don’t
And write her love letters concealed as threats
And she stops coming to school
And maybe has a quiet overdose
And drops out into camming
And she has a friend like her
And she’s broken too
But even when we were assaulted
Again and again
It’s better to be broken together
Even death is tolerable if there is truth
And we’re truth
And I am so scared that all this possible pain
Is still better than being a corpse in a closet
Waiting for right moment
Not for me, for everybody else
And even more scared that I did know
But pretended I didn’t
A safe and slow rot
Seems good enough
Right up to the moment of birth

I wish I always were
Me
Because
Hell is fine if I am woman there too

And hell is my truth