Misery Loves Comedy

You ever notice how your life is rolling by you
It isn't what it seems
I wrote this down so you'd know that I knew
This is just a dream
It's the fictitious stuff ya see as voyeurs
The same tricks that make us believe in lawyers
They sell the same lies to the girls and boys
For your whole life, telling you the worlds ya oyster
If that's the case I'm allergic to seafood
Castaway and that's what they serve when they feed you
So you're covered in goiters now love and enjoy us
Move the waistline and in eight days time you see through
Who's to say it'll improve today
You could lose some weight, you didn't want to lose your way
And life is one of those books where you choose your fate
You could hang yourself but I bet the noose would break
Hey I guess you gotta try and laugh at it
'Cuz mathematically it's half tragic and half havoc
Dag nabbit, who woulda ever thought
I'd get the short straw outta life if I grabbed at it
I'm on a path padded down by sore feet
Feelin' like the last cat in town where dogs eat
King of the fools on a short leash
I used to laugh at the clowns who had on the crown before me
Well now I'm chucklin' at my own expense
It doesn't cost me the bucks that I've been known to spend
On what a simple cup of coffee and doughnut can
It's like save the children but for grown up men, friends
I'm in a zen place sportin' a Jen's face
Though I'm a chump I'm over the hump like Wednesdays
I don't go for most of the junk my friends say
I let it roll over my cold shoulder like BenGay
That's the best way to treat disaster
Cuz if you let regret stay it eats you faster
Your breastplate shakes when you breathe with asthma
Death may take ya to greener pastures
I need a pastor, a priest, a rabbi ain't ashamed if I asked to beseech the bad guy
To blame for the fact that I lead a sad life
Ashamed to pack up and leave my campsite
You gotta find a way to laugh right
Well I'm practically pissin' my pants over this damn ride
And I don't wanna end up missin' my chance for me to grab my slice from the dish in advance
Man, I spend a lot of time listenin' to cants instead of opening the lid on the cans
If I put half my time spent on bitchin' and rants and do a plan I could slip away from the trance
But I guess this is the dance, the life I lead
My lawn isn't grass, it's thigh high weeds
My wife lives with my man beside my street
So I see her kiss him again every time I leave
And I'm just trying to find my speed. Fuckin' jimminy crickets
I got another cop givin' me tickets
What would my life be if it didn't seem wicked
Even my landlord said she would love to get me evicted
That's cold, I'd expect a mother to stick with
Her own struggling nitwit son who's a misfit
Asshole, but nothing can fix it
I'd put my trust in lady luck if she wasn't sadistic
But I've had so little success of being elated
At the prospect of rest and being cremated
And right now I'm thinkin' of puttin' this mic down
'Cuz bein' dead is better than bein' hated
This ain't quite how I was picturin' my career
They're stickin' it in my rear, these are not my terms
And I figured I'm in the clear since they got me burned
'Til the funeral director went and dropped my urn
Well I guess you gotta learn to laugh at it
When you're the brunt of your own joke it doesn't seem as tragic
Take it from someone who knows folks
There ain't a mathematic pattern for outrunning your own woes
Well so goes your role at the zoo
It still isn't what it seems
I wrote this down so you'd know that I knew
This is just a dream