Miracle, Pt. 1

[ERIC]
My mummy says I'm a miracle!

[TOMMY]
My daddy says I'm his special little guy!
Ow!

[AMANDA]
I am a princess

[BRUCE]
And I am a prince

[ALL GIRLS]
Mum says I'm an angel sent down from the sky!

[BRUCE, ERIC, TOMMY, and NIGEL]
My daddy says I'm his special little soldier
No one is as handsome, strong as me

[BRUCE]
It's true he indulges my tendency to bulge

[BRUCE, ERIC, TOMMY, and NIGEL]
But I'm his little soldier
Hup, two, four, free

[ALICE and HORTENSIA]
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me
Ow!

[NIGEL, TOMMY]
My daddy says I'm his special little soldier
No one is as bold or tough as me
Has my daddy told ya
One day when I'm older
I can be a soldier

[NIGEL]
And shoot you in the face!

[PARTY ENTERTAINER]
One can hardly move for beauty and brilliance these days
It seems that there are millions of these one-in-a-millions these days
Specialness is de rigueur
Above average is average. Go fig-ueur!
Is it some modern miracle of calculus
That such frequent miracles don't render each one un-miraculous?

[ALL KIDS]
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me

[LAVENDER]
My mummy says I'm a precious barrelina
She has never seen – a!
Prettier barrelin–a!
She says if I'm keen, I have to cut down on the cream
But I'm a barrelina –
So give me more cake!

[COUPLE 1]
DAD 1: Take another picture of our angel from this angle over here
MUM 1: She is clearly more emotionally developed than her peers
BOTH: What a dear!

[COUPLE 2]
MUM 2: That's right, honey. Look at mummy
DAD 2: Don't put honey on your brother
MUM 2: Smile for mummy! Smile for mother!
DAD 2: I think he blinked
MUM 2: Well, take another!

[COUPLE 3]
DAD 3: Have you seen his school report? He got a C on his report!
ALL COUPLES: What?
DAD 3: We'll have to change his school. The teacher's clearly falling short

[COUPLE 4]
MUM 4: He's just delightful
DAD 4: So hilarious
MUM 4: And insightful

[ALL PARENTS]
Might she be a little brighter than her class?
Oh, yes, she's definitely advanced!

[ALL KIDS]
My mummy says I'm a miracle
One look at my face and it's plain to see
Ever since the day doc chopped the umbilical cord
It's been clear there's no peer for a miracle like me

[ALL PARENTS]
Take another picture of our angel from this angle over here
She is clearly more emotionally developed than her peers
What a dear!
That's right, honey, look at mummy
Don't put honey on your brother
Smile for mummy, smile for mother
I think he blinked
Well, take another!

[ALL KIDS]
My mummy says I'm a –

[ALL]
Miracle!

[ALL KIDS]
That I'm as tiny and as shiny as a –

[ALL]
Mirror ball!
You can be all cynical
But it's a truth empirical
There's never been a miracle, a miracle, a miracle
As me

[MRS WORMWOOD]
Look, is this gonna take much longer, doctor? I've got a plane to catch at three. I'm competing in the Bi-Annual International Amateur Salsa and Ballroom Dancing Championships in Paris

[DOCTOR]
You're getting on a plane, Mrs Wormwood?

[MRS WORMWOOD]
Of course I am. I always compete, doctor, and this time, I've got a secret weapon. Rudolpho! He's part Italian, you know. Very supple. Has incredible upper-body strength

[DOCTOR]
I think we should have a talk

[MRS WORMWOOD]
So, what is it? What's wrong with me?

[DOCTOR]
Mrs Wormwood, do you really have no idea?

[MRS WORMWOOD]
Gas?

[DOCTOR]
Mrs Wormwood, I want you to think very carefully. What do you think might be the cause of – this?

[MRS WORMWOOD]
(gasps) Am I . . . Am I . . . Look, am I fat?

[DOCTOR]
Mrs Wormwood, You're pregnant!

[MRS WORMWOOD]
What?!

[DOCTOR]
You're going to have a baby

[MRS WORMWOOD]
But I've got a baby! I don't want another one. Isn't there something you can do?

[DOCTOR]
You're nine months pregnant!

[MRS WORMWOOD]
Antibiotics, or . . . Oh, my good Lord! What about the Bi-Annual International Amateur Salsa and Ballroom Dancing Championships?