Meet Me By The Waters (The RIP Poem)

Somewhere between it should’ve been me
And now I need to make you proud when you look at me
Everything else feels so unimportant
I know what everyone’s saying but somehow can’t hear them when they’re talking, awkward
Blanking out looking at nothing but thinking of everything, still say it was nothing when I’m asked what I was thinking
My sister can tell I’m not doing well
Still I lie
Because I feel I need to be strong for her so she doesn’t feel she needs to be strong for herself
Memories make me feel more numb than upset
Sad because of what’s just happened but frightened to think of what’s next
Not sure when these feelings end and healing begins
I guess pain is part of the process
My mum used to say a stinging wound means its healing and on its way to closing
Process
I hold tears back and question the validity of my own mourning
Compare myself to those closer like what makes me think I’m so important
Lessons are learnt but blessings are earned
I wonder what I did to deserve your words
Purpose is something I’ve never really searched for
Never really questioned mine
Still it’s clear as day what yours was from the impact you left behind
I want to be around my friends that don’t know how much this hurts more than I want to be around those who want to give me the world
I’m grateful for the support
But I’d rather avoid the thoughts and be around those who I know are bringing comfort for a reason other than hurt
Not saying I want to forget you
But right now I want to forget the feeling
I avoid family meetings
Out of respect I stay long enough for the greetings
Then say I have work to do between them
Selfish I know
But The idea of not being able to do anything makes me feel even more low

Jay said your mind starts to wonder more when death happens and you’re a father
I know it’s the same for mother’s
Probably worse when your kids ask you questions for things you can’t answer for

I wonder how victor taiwo is doing
He was the first one to teach me to avoid social media when you going through
It
Overthnkng trying understand it
Overwhelmed yet somehow underreacting
I question how life would be
If we switched sides and you had to live your life for me
You’d probably do everything better
Probably laughing at me right now for making my jumper wetter
Jokes about the tears and probably jokes about the top that I chose
My socks don’t even go
And I always believed I dressed better than you, looking at your pictures and my own I’m not even close
Do you surpass your older siblings age as the years past quick
Are they still the same age as they were when they departed
Does a grandparent become a great grandparent even when they never meet the kids
Maybe I’m thinking needless things
Randomly catch myself waking up saying I miss you
The burn from when it went from rumour to official
From it can’t be to I guess it is true
I wanna speak to someone who can see me through it
But I feel like everything I want to say or feel just seems like excuses
Feel like I’m attention seeking when I speak on it
Even the fact there’s been 221 I’s in this poem makes me question how selfish I am
Death is a scam
Not sure why I am here and not sure who I’m here for
Everyone that’s tearful have been teared through
My words offer little support
Arm stroking everyone that’s
Heartbroken

Feeling everything and nothing at the sane time
I’ve heard people questioning the validity of others tears
When you’re going through it you don’t have time to differentiate how others express their care
I say things that probably make little to no sense
Like I ain’t effected by no death
When really what I meant is my tears don’t fall for the loss of every person I’ve ever met
But people I have routines with leave me in a mess
Walking past shops or Christmas with family and friends
You not being here when you’re meant to leaves me upset
I say death doesn’t affect me

I need to leave a legacy before I spend my time in the clouds where the legends be
Meet me by the waters, I promisie I won’ drown, over the mountains I always see you by the clouds