Mean Mr. Filch / Lavender Brown / She Died in an Upstairs Bathroom

Mean Mr. Filch sleeps on a cot covered with dry rot
Trying to save galleons
Got a thousand holes in his coat
Smells like he’s infested with mold
Looking for a student to scold
Such a mean old man!
Such a mean old man!

His kitty cat walks by his side; has yellow eyes
We’d like to kill her
Smells too bad to impress a girl
Probably eats rabbits and squirrels
Trashier than my name is Earl
Such a dirty old man!
Dirty old man!

Have you seen Lavender Brown?
She likes our brother, so she might be a man
She bought him a necklace that was as big as Texas
Have you seen Lavender Brown?
Yeah, yeah, yeah

She calls him Won-Won when she’s trying to be cute
But it makes everyone else want to puke
We have a notion to poison her potion
And then blame it on Filch!
Yeah, yeah, yeah!

She died inside an upstairs bathroom
Right there in this very stall
Now she sits on the toilet and wonders
Why did it have to happen at all?

Didn’t anybody tell her?
Oh why can’t she see?
She shouldn’t have looked at that basilisk
When she was trying to pee!
Oh yeah

She said she hated Olive Hornby
That she’d like to see her dead
She was plotting how to kill her
But it ended up as murder instead

So she stayed right here at Hogwarts
Forever depressing all the girls
And even though she is a specter
She still looks cute with her skirt and curls

Didn’t anybody tell her?
Oh why can’t she see?
She shouldn’t have looked at that basilisk
When she was trying to pee!