Maya Rudolph Mother’s Day Monologue

[Spoken word intro: Announcer]
Ladies and gentlemen, Maya Rudolph!

[MAYA RUDOLPH]
Thank you, thank you, thank you so much!
Oh, it's so good to be back! Thank you!
Thank you from the bottom of my heart
It is so good to be back and for the Mother's Day episode
And for me, it's extra special because I am a four-time mom
That's right, I have four beautiful kids, that I know of

[BOWEN YANG, SARAH SHERMAN]
Hey, Maya! Hi, Maya!

[MAYA]
Bowen, Sarah, hey guys!

[SARAH]
We just wanted to say, happy Mother's Day!

[MAYA]
Oh, thank you!

[BOWEN]
But, Maya, look
You're not just a mom
You're mother

[SARAH]
You're a 30 Rock legend
You've had your foot on our necks since Y2K

[MAYA]
Really?

[BOWEN]
Of course!
You were the first to slay the house down, boots queen

[SARAH]
You have achieved the extra-terrestrial mother status

[MAYA]
Me? Mother?
You're right

[KENAN THOMPSON]
Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Mr. Infinity Décor
We did not come to play with you, hoes
We came to slay, bitch
And also do some comedy bits
Oh, yes
This is Maya's house now
Ladies and gentlemen, gays and theys
I give to you, Mother of the House of Rockefeller

(sung)
[MAYA]
I'm your mother
I'm your mother
I'm your—oops, I made you dance
Remember in that movie when I pooped my pants?
When you were a baby, you pooped your pants
And I changed your diaper
I'm your mother
Who coined "sweater weather" and get you a car made of leather?
I did
I also said "Clean your room"
I'm your mother

(spoken)
It's Mother's Day, y'all
Today we celebrate all kinds of mothers
Step mothers, godmothers, mothers from another brother, Dance Moms, Octomom

[CHLOE FINEMAN]
What about dog moms?

[MAYA]
What about them?
And honey, that's not a dog
That's a bitch!

(sung)
I'm your mother
I'm your mother
I'm your—bow down, children, I'm your mama
It's giving queen, it's giving drama
This place gave you coneheads
It's 11:30, go to bed
Who's your favorite funty?
It's me, Kamala Hunty!
I will also turn this car around
If you don't stop hitting your sister
I'm your mother

(spoken)
[PUNKIE JOHNSON]
Maya! Maya!

[MAYA]
Not now, child
Mother is mothering

[PUNKIE]
I know
But I have a message from the gays
The monologue is giving body-ody-ody

[MAYA]
Body-ody-ody?

[KENAN]
Yes, mother
The results are in!

[MARCELLO HERNANDEZ]
Ten!

[CHLOE TROAST]
Ten!

[DEVON WALKER]
I'm gagged!

[MAYA]
Gagged? Say less!
(sung)
I'm your, Baba Wawa, Debbie D, Sweeney Sisters, and Gilly, Martha Stewart gave good hair, Mary Katherine Gallagher, Schweddy Balls and Donatella, Lisa from Temecula
Giving gorgeous, serving pretty, they did it live from New York City
I'm your mother
I'm your mother
I'm your—
Mother

(spoken)
We got a great show for you tonight!
Vampire Weekend is here!
So stick around, we'll be right back