Mankind

[Intro: Richard Pryor]

Mankind, as we all know, was created by God. Uh, 'cause he was up in heaven and he didn't have nothin' to do but (deep voice) roll around heaven all day.

And his woman was botherin' him, right? You know, his woman: "Why don't you do something God? You could be somebody... With all that magic stuff, you know? The Devil doesn't know half the stuff you're doin'; look, he's filthy rich. We could have a car and everything. All you do is just lay around the house, gettin' high. You're gonna get busted, too."

So, everybody wants to keep their woman. So, God decided to make people.

[Narrative]

God: (Clears throat) "Don't mess with the trees, people."

Person 1: "Is he gone?"

Person 2: "I think so..."

(Indecipherable whispering)

Person 1: "Hey, this is great!"

Person 2: "What is it?"

Person 1: "Who cares..." (chewing sounds)

God: "I warned you, young lady!"

Person 2: (crying)

Richard Pryor: Then, time passed. Right, y'know?

Time: "Hold it, space."

Space: "Okay, time."

Richard Pryor: And we came to the time known as—(trumpet sounds)

Speaker: "Hear ye, hear ye! King Arthur's court will now come to order! Prince Valiant?"

Prince Valiant: "Yoo-hoo!"

Speaker: "Sir Lancelot?"

Sir Lancelot: "Yay-dee-yay-dee!"

Speaker: "Queen Guinevere?"

Queen Guinevere: (deep man's voice) "Over here..."

[Next Period]

Christopher Columbus: "I, Christopher Columbus, claim this land in the name of Spain. Screw the Indians!" (arrow sounds)

[Next Period]

(Lips smacking) "Let us give thanks, this day of Thanksgiving, that we might be so thankful to be thankful. And it's good to be thankful that we're all thankful we're thankful. Hmm? Are you thankful we're thankful?"

Slave: "Yea, mas'a!"

Slave: "My'eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord!"

Slavemaster: "You won't stop singin' them religious fanatic songs, and get to work and pick my cotton?"

(Trumpet sounds)

Slave: "When Johnny come marchin' home again..."

Slave: "My'eyes have seen the glory of the coming of the Lord!"

Slave: "You ain't got to sing no more, brotha! We're free! Just pick the cotton!"

[Next Scene]

Ms. Brown: "Why don't you hang the picture over there, Jesse?"

Jesse: "Are you kidding, Ms. Brown? The Titanic's—(bubbling sounds)"

[Next Period]

(Trumpet sounds)

General: "Do you have anything to say about the war, Seargent York?"

Seargent York: "Nope. It's a fine time to arrest somebody, St. Valentines Day..." (laughs slowly)

[Next Period]

German officer: "Deutschland is the fatherland! All [?] for Deutschland! Deutschland [?], Seig heil! Seig heil!"

Jewish voice: "Don't listen to his meshuggeneh, I'm tellin' ya personally. Look, I know, you're not liable..." (trails off)

Japanese voice: "oh, uh-somo [?]. Bonzai [?]"

American voice: "Honest, Mr. President (nervous laughter). We didn't know they were gonna attack!" (snickers)

Announcement: "And now we have, of the supreme commander of the allied forces, General Dwight D. Eisenhower!"

(beep)

Eisenhower: "Hello? This is Esienhower. I'd just like to thank you all for buying my jackets."

(indecipherable beeps and reversed sounds)

Announcement: "The preceding was an announcement by the president of IBM"

President: "Ask not what your country can do for you, ask what you can do for your country. And, if you do, my fellow Americans... you will know that I will continue, even though I've said I will not. For I believe every time water falls, a flower rose. I believe somewhere in the darkest night, a candle glows. I believe all men are created—(pauses) Huh?—Equal!"

Richard Pryor: Thank you, good night

(Applause)