Love, Of Course

Of course after the fourth lover leaves you’ll question the woman beating inside your chest
You’ll interrogate her violently and consistently at best
At worst you will compress her into a numb vacuum
Give her permission to hold nothing but darkness and silence
You say maybe that’s what it was
She was too loud and present for the comfort of any man
Too in charge for total submission
What else could it be that after giving the best you know to be
He still packed up his things as thief-in-the-night as possible and left you sad love songs at midnight kind of lonely
Left you still searching for reasons to be vulnerable and whole at the same time
And hospitable to anything that resembles pity.
Of course it was you, you accuse a body cornered with doubt
You, all construction and reconstruction with too much rubble disturbing your aesthetics
You, an ocean and self-mended bridges away from wonderland
Of course it was you
You should’ve have used more concealer on your insecurities
Patchwork quilted over your nightmares
You’ve should’ve dressed your demons more pretty than honest
Altered your dreams to stay still and uncoloured
And for now your pain masks a truth you’ve often felt too forsaken to admit
That no matter how worth it his heart is
you’ve never been too insignificant to exist.

Of course you know this.
It is the subtle, yet monumental truth that regulates your respiration
The premise that clicks at your heels each time a chance at love knocks and you move to answer
It is the birthright God spoke into you at your conception
It is the reason you don’t barter your silence for approval
You scream yourself out of bad dreams
and graffiti the good ones on every blank surface
Your insecurities don’t match any of your outfits
You say you’re an emotional hipster and rock it like it’s an effortless fashion
Of course after the fourth lover leaves,
in the wake of loneliness and the sluggish willingness to re-assemble broken pieces
You will attempt to drown yourself in tearful condemnation
Go ahead and immerse
but teach your body to always come back up for air.