Love Me At My Funeral

I put my heart and soul into this page when the pen and pads gripped
But lately its like I've lost motivation for this rap bis
And if I loose some friends with that then I ain’t giving rap shit
My mind stay sharper than what I've had my back stabbed with
Still drinking liquor still feeling high off hash ticked
Thinking back to stealing whatever to trade for that hit
Never tried to be open about it but if the shoe fits
Then fuck it I'll put the whole outfit on it matched
Its a windy road but I’m stubborn and try drive alone
I'm spending nights at home wondering why I am like this though
Cause I don't know what's going on inside my dome
But I been feeling different ever since the day my uncle went and tied the rope
And I been feeling different since I barely hit the microphone
Or write a flow, feeling like I'm loosing fans by the moment
I might be broken, or I guess I could be paranoid
But either way its kinda feeling like I don't have a choice
When I was a youngun the goal that I had was stack the coin
But it didn't fill the relationships that its had destroyed
I'm having voices saying that my banks in debt and that
Parents send me cash and gotta work and try get it back
Keep on telling them I’m working on some shit to get on track
Every album saying this the one, but it never happens
I’m sorry to my homies that I haven't messaged back
I guess I been a little busy finding where my head is at
Its got me wondering where I went the fuck wrong
Probably the fact my main warrior’s where to get my next blood from
Or what's the next bottle of booze I can get drunk on
With blurry visions of my room writing stupid love songs
Like damn I hate this shit, why'd I even date that bitch
Can never take the hint, I was too busy trying to take a hit
But who the fuck ever thought that love could be a hateful thing
To waste the time hurt me more than the situation did
I guess it makes me sick, but its just the usual
They'll hate me as I live but wouldn’t love me at my funeral
And what the fuck is beautiful when all you see is ugliness
I try to come to grips with it but always end up the slip
And this ain't for sympathy, give a fuck about some coffin shit
All I need is beats, my pen and a couple spliffs
Been times I reached for the blade to try and cut up with
But it didn't do shit just made me wonder why the fuck I did
I'm used to being a sunken ship but I always sail again
Might be a fuck up but I ain't gonna be a failure yet
I'd rather be laid to rest, even if the price is blood sweat and tears
Along the way then I'm gonna have to pay the debt