Kinky Sex Makes the World Go ’Round

[Intro: Spoken]
"Prime Minister's office
Prime Minister speaking"

[Skit]
Greetings...
This is the Secretary of War
At the State Department of the United States...
We have a problem
The companies want something done
About this sluggish world economic situation...
Profits have been running more than a little thin lately
And we, we need to stimulate some growth...
Now, we know that there's an alarmingly high number
Of young people roaming around in your country
With nothing to do but stir up trouble for the police
And damage private property
It doesn't look like they'll ever get a job...
It's about time we did something
Constructive with these people...
We've got thousands of 'em here, too
They're crawling all over...
The companies think it's time we all sit down
Have a serious get-together, and start another war...
The President? He loves the idea!
All those missiles streaming overhead to and fro...
Napalm...
People running down the road, skin on fire

The Soviets seem up for it
The Kremlin's been itching for the real thing for years:
Want a little going-away present for Mr. Brezhnev?
Hell, Afghanistan's no fun...
So, what do ya say?
We don't even have to win this war
We just want to cut down on some
Of this excess population
Now, look, just start up a draft
Draft as many of those people as you can
We'll call up every last youngster we can get our hands on
And give 'em an hour or two to learn how to use
An automatic rifle and send 'em on their way

El Salvador?
How 'bout Northern Ireland?
Or a "moderately repressive regime"
In South America?
We'll just cook up a good Soviet threat story
In the Middle East; we need that oil
We had Libya all ready to go
And Colonel Gaddafi's hit squad didn't even show up
I tell ya, that man is unreliable
The Russians had their fingers on the button
Just like we did for that one

Now, just think for a minute
We can make this war so big, so big!
The more people we kill in this war
The more the economy will prosper
We can get rid of practically everybody
On your dole queues if we plan this right
Take every loafer on welfare right off our computer rolls
Now, don't worry about those demonstrators
Just pump up your drug supply
So many people have hooked themselves
On heroin and amphetamines since we took over
It's just like Vietnam
We had everybody so busy with LSD
They never got too strong
Kept the war functioning just fine

It's easy
We've got our college kids so interested in beer
They don't even care if we start
Manufacturing germ bombs again
Put a nuclear stockpile in their backyard
They wouldn't even know what it looked like
So, how 'bout it?
I mean, look, war is money
The arms manufacturers tell me
Unless we get our bomb factories up to full production
The whole economy is going to collapse
The Soviets are in the same boat
We all agree the time has come for the big one
So, what do ya say?

"Marvelous!"

[Outro: Spoken]
That's excellent
We knew you'd agree
The companies will be very pleased