Kid Twist vs. Madness (2017)

[Round 1: Madness]
For those that don't know, Kid Twist wrote Bodied
As a battle rapper to make the details brighter
He went from doing freestyles, cyphers, to being a screenplay-typer
Eloquence, if you ever get a chance to see one of his e-mails: FIRE!
So please, show some love for one of Canada's best up-and-coming female writers!
For weeks, I've had to explain who you are, even though it's our second time battlin'
So here you have it, friends: Madness versus the Night King's ice javelin
He's dead and don't even know it!
That's how I got the kid trembling
And it won't be a Sixth Sense thing when we finally get a Twist ending!
Untouchable flow, so when I'm not crushin' a show
You can catch me makin' a splash while politickin' with Justin Trudeau
I'll have Simon from Misfits retracin' all his steps like a Fitbit
If your life was a movie, it would be titled, Diary Of A Wimpy Kid...Twist!
You have a limp wrist and ruin parties like some kind of killjoy
When you were a baby, your first words were, "I'm a real boy!"
You walk around with a "Hip To Be Squared" algebra shirt
And somehow look like the criminal AND the victim for an Amber Alert!
You have the bone structure of a prehistoric Canada bird
Right now he's thinkin', "The proper term would be 'Canadian'"
Damn, you're a nerd!
Listen shorty, I'll roll up and start to threaten the kid like This Is 40
He almost missed this battle because he was still tryin' to bid on the Szechuan sauce from Rick & Morty
Bro, how do you have the same neck and waist size?
He's so skinny, whenever there's an argument, he literally can't take sides
If you ate fries, you would straight die!
Better move him to Asia
You might actually recognize him from his first acting role...as one of the brooms in Fantasia!
Or as the world's more famous spaghetti noodle
Just watch Lady and The Tramp when it's on
He even ran high school track...as a stand-in baton!
He even auditioned for Cast Away...blew the whole cast away
His accolades include going to cat parades and soundin' like Anne Hathaway
You're a nerd in disguise tryin' to be a hero like Tom Holland
From calling a cop a *beep*, to rap battlin' at TIFF, Shia Labeouf has really hit rock bottom!
Your TRON login is "all your base are belong to us" and that's not awesome
Lastly, he auditioned for The Big Bang Theory
But they said he was "too real", and for that part, they got Blossom!

[Round 1: Kid Twist]
I am the screenwriter for Bodied
So you're only in 'cause I wrote a part that fits you
And after that verse, I should've wrote your part for this, too!
They say that there are no small parts, only small actors
But if you see him in our movie, you'll know in his case, they had it ALL backwards!
I get it, I'm skinny as a baton, you said that I'm a stand-in for one
Well, you would know, 'cause you were in the marching band...as the DRUM!
Mad fights for Fat Rights, I wish I was as progressive as you
He's a feminist, too, showing empathy by wearing this male pregnancy suit
So call me thin, but these options, it's the best of the two
You're so fat, I weigh less than a reflection of you!
Yo, what's TIFF's CGI budget? It's time we get some answers
'Cause they made this like I'm really battling a giant friendly hamster!
Our Bodied lead was on Austin & Ally, I just had to big him up
But he's not our only star who was gettin' Disney bucks
We also got the kid from Up!
You could grow four different goatees with all that extra chin space
He suffers from a condition called "Resting Pig Face"
Plus, he gets hungry when someone calls a scheme "bananas"
The camera adds ten pounds...you should stop eating cameras!
Catch him anywhere Haagen Dazs gives free coupons out
They said I'd meet celebrities at TIFF: I don't think Luis Guzman counts
We're watchin' a surgeon versus a large tumor
A whale versus a harpooner
I heard they were making a sequel to Super Size Me
You should've stopped filming a LOT sooner
You're from Florida, right?
Did Lil Pump ghostwrite your verse?
Your name's "Madness", 'cause you weren't smart enough to think of "Flo Rida" first
Your state is one big theme park, 'cause that's the only thing you did best
And based on what I've seen of Florida, the theme is incest!
Your last girlfriend died when she was crushed in a trust fall
'Cause if you exercise all you want, you'll never get built like Trump's wall!
"Make America Great Again" has been a joke since your guy's election
But now that Madness left, the country's finally stepped in the right direction!
Time

[Round 2: Madness]
He said I look like the kid from Up
Why don't we call up the studio?
Cause when it comes to Disney movies, bro, I'm pretty sure we look like Timon and Pumbaa, yo
But yo, I'm tired of this selfishness
Somebody toss up a sandwich, let's help the kid
I'll tell you this
I'd rather eat a couple cameras than spend my entire life built like a selfie stick!
Yeah, I'm a little oversized, but lately, I've been at the gym
And pushin' about 200 on the bench...
Or, you know, 50 of him!
I'm from the O-Zone, we had homies on cities less known
Before this battle, I told this twig, "You better go big or go home"...so he went home!
You move like those Daft Punk robots, if they were some kind of lost hippy
He claims he's from Toronto, we all know your hometown is Broad City
God's with me, and you'd melt under this fire like a candle wick
You hear his voice?
Well, I Shazam-ed it, and instead of bringin' up a song title, it brought up a picture of Andy Dick
You're nobody
I'll bust that ass, you'll have mustache wax in your soul probably
Yeah, you wrote Bodied but what's funny is your DNA couldn't write a whole body!
He gets soaked watching 8 Mile, lookin' like a typhoon hit you
Women's jeans screamin', "Alex, I do fit you!"
Yo, you probaby wrote this screenplay with an ink quill and a Bic pen
In high school, this nerd spent so much time inside of a locker, he had to pay rent!
But he's the worst type of hipster
You know the ones!
That'll somehow try and find a way
To tell you about how they found out about the newest underground IPA's...40 times a day!
Kinda gay, jeans so tight, he's losing circulation inside his legs
A vegan that uses all-natural, gluten-free vegetable frosting to ice the cake!
He's like, "Try this homemade, nice sorbet
I'm sure that you'll like the taste
It's a special blend of wine and eggs, porcupine spine and grapes
Tree bark, lime, and...AIDS!"
Die TODAY!
Bu-but comfortably!
For you, being a hippy's your cup of tea
Whenever you hug a tree, you whisper, "Make love to me."
He says things like, "Starbucks is life!"
Whoo! Well, is that right?
Homie, if Starbucks is in fact "life", you'd be a flat white!
I hope you die in an arcade fire!
This super-hipster better murder me
He probably introduces himself like, "I'm Kid Twist...but you probably never heard of me."
You better get some surgery, because you have the muscle physique of a pipe cleaner
Whenever he gets in a fight with his girlfriend, she's the wife-beater!
You can never relate
What? You gonna run at me with your little pelican legs?
Earlier, he showed up in metal and lace
Rockin' a monocle and gentlemen's cape, screaming, "9/11 is fake!"
We GET IT! You VAPE!
Hella flagrant, but he's been on a summer fast
For 12 years, he's very patient
Plus if you needed better information
By the looks on him he's got the skinny on EVERY situation!
Time!

[Round 2: Kid Twist]
You are the worst Colombian ever!
You should see him smuggle goods on a boat
He tries to get more candy across the border by hiding his powdered sugar in coke
I hate using stereotypes against my competitors
But you should be a Mexican wrestler
'Cause with the mask on your face, you look better than regular
With your fake NY accent, you and Iggy Azalea have a lot in common
How are you part Guatemalan, but look like a mascot for the Olive Garden?
He's a Latino from Florida that tells chicks that he's Sicilian
Where exactly were you born? The Epcot Center in the Italy pavilion?
No, you look more like you were born in Applebee's to a Florida manatee
I'd be like Charron and say, "You belly-flopped and caused the Houston floods"
But I won't, 'cause that's a horrible tragedy!
All you Florida rappers are weird-looking, man!
What is wrong with you?
You and XXXTentacion are the different sides of Majin Buu when he got chopped in two!
You're like a good dad at bedtime, the way you tuck that gut in tight
You rap your punches like you're yelling at women from a construction site
They said it's unfair if the crowd picks a winner
I've got home advantage over you
But you look so much like Rob Ford, half the city'd probably vote for you!
Every time you snore, it sounds like you're on life support
You've got a baby face...of the baby from the show Dinosaurs
He's flat broke
When you wine and dine a chick 'cause you're trying to score
You split the check like you were trying on biker shorts at the Nike store
You play Hungry Hungry Hippos and have the world's highest score
When TIFF brought him out, I thought I was giving a lifetime award to Michael Moore!
I can see your future
So fat that you can't fit outside the door
In your bed, eating whole chickens like, "THIS ISN'T EVEN MY FINAL FORM!"
I'll admit, it's prejudice that gives me hate for Madness
I'm like a racist fascist, except with weight and fatness
So if you think you've got flames, then I'll extinguish the torch
'Cause Sam Tarly was always second to the King in the North!

[Round 3: Madness]
I'll scare the Kid like Pennywise, cause down here we're all gonna float
He said I faked my accent
I don't know what you're talkin' a-boat!
It's somehow already the third round, and I'm wondering, "How did we get this far?"
Because I'm still tryin' to figure out which one of the Olsen Twins you are!
My punches make heads explode like Fist of the North Star
You should be weary of me
Hello? It's Atkins...he said you're taking the diet WAY too seriously!
While other kids sat around dreamin' about playin' for the Blue Jays
His dream was to one day be at a beautiful wedding...and catch the bouquet!
True say! I'll extort him for entertainment money like Lou Pearlman
Wait...I remember you and your friend on the computer in Weird Science trying to make a new girlfriend!
He can smell home cooking in any country with that widely-ranged nose, bro
In every sideways photo, you look like the '90s Jay's logo
I'll lick shots like BOW BOW
Rewind and don't stop it selectah
You lick shots of penicillin before you go to sleep in a life-size pocket protector!
(Aw, man...all right!)
Life's got this herb mixed up with a vegetable smoothie
And since we're at TIFF, why don't I spit a scheme using some of the festival's movies?
You like that?
You grew up in Suburbicon
I'm from the Florida Project , Orlando representin'
You got me versus a Fantastic Woman
I guess you can call this Battle Of The Sexes
This cat is anorexic, your body type counts as a fetus
I never spent A Long Time Running
I guess that's why my stomach's like The Mountain Between Us
But his lady had The Shape Of Water: you know, sexy and curvy
We made love from Mecca, to Jersey, to Three Billboards Outside Ebbing, Missouri
And I'm stronger. so it looks like Mary Shelley is worried
Because the Current War is pure Gothic horror
Got his heart's BPM in a flurry
Troll and get served over the net like Borg/McEnroe at their hardest
Try to call Madness garbage when we got this
Lady Bird-lookin', half-retarded Disaster Artist
So, here I am-
Shouts to that guy!
Get out the way!
So here I am, the bread winner as I live and Breathe in living color
If they Call Me By Your Name... it would be mother!
That's Suburbicon to Florida Project, mother!...
See, to me, watchin' movies is my entire life, this is not a hobby
So, C'est la vie
'Cause when midnight rolls around, remember...you just got Bodied!

[Round 3: Kid Twist]
Did you all see what he did there? Did you see what he did there?
Worked a bunch of film titles from TIFF in his lines?
Nice of you to give a shout-out to all those movies not as well-written as mine!
You've been through some rough times
Being fat is no fair
Like, you shop at Big & Tall but you're average height so you can only buy half your clothes there
I got some inside info on him, he's a baby molester
Don't let that face fool you
He's no angel...he just played one on Dexter!
He needs cholesterol pills when he says that he has drug ties
You look like a Heavy D - and I'm referring to your cup size!
The only crazy lines you got are on your cardio chart
If they make a movie of Mario Kart, YOU should play the Wario part!
Here's some crazy headlines from Florida that I saw in your news
'Man Arrested For Assaulting His Blow-Up Doll In A Feud'
'Burglar In Clown Makeup Commits A Robbery Nude'
'Chef Got Caught Putting Bath Salts On His Food'
'Local Rapper Madness Wins A Marat-'
Nah, that's not even plausible dude!
See you don't have the monster squad or run with some crazy Goonies
You're the answer to "Where are they now?" for every fat kid in an '80s movie
When I saw our program, I thought TIFF was trying to give him fame
"Midnight Madness"? Isn't that your male stripper name?
See, you're just Bodied's comic relief, you're not a legend in the movement
Joseph conned you to make a joke of yourself for his amusement
You'll get tummy rumbles when we roll the credits with the music
'Cause your stomach is like our movie...M&M's produced it!
But your family dinners are more like how his last movie felt
You get a plate of mom's spaghetti and you just Lose Yourself
And when you try our food here, you'll probably eat til it seizes your breath
You're John Candy: Canadian Bacon will lead to your DEATH!
You wanna claim you're a G after those geeky references?
Don't press your luck!
'Cause now we know you're not real, like Deckard after the Blade Runner: Director's Cut
You said that I got bodied? It's hardly true
But after all those bars from you?
Spoiler alert: your character just died in Bodied 2!