Just Am

Standing in the desert, faces stare back from the dunes
Brought here by courage or delusion, I won’t stop but I feel ripping mad
So I am crying words that don’t make sense to me or them
But I am singing, I am singing, beams the child inside then disappears again

Still I go on repeating words of loss and failure
Of every choice that I gave up to guardian anger

I hope that you can feel life
Cause even watching descent I see light
But I recall I called you hate
Repeated words get locked and phased
And these words attach
Some words like stone
You find with time you build more than sow
You build a house
You build what you know
I wonder if that’s home

Tangled up at home, unloved intentions all I see
All those collected, stacked, and fretted over treasures leave me spinning so
I’ll leave the door wide open my old friend, there’s more unfound
It’s time for letting wounds and breaking through these pretty patterned knots I twist around

Dad I can’t see, I’ve lost my voice, I need direction
Reweighed each choice so many times I’ve lost reflection

You’ve got to let go so you’ll grow
Then even when you feel blind you’ll still know

So I asked again when I get home can I build space?
And clear these ripples of disorder and erosion I feel nipping mad
And when I find my way through all discolor in my mind
Swear I’ll never leave imbalance or impatience standing guard or keeping time

Cause I hold on to things that dearly need replacing
Broken time ruling pain and failed aging

When I let go, I just am
Conjured back to myself I just am
In holding on I’ve grown too tight
My joints are cracked, my eyes gone white
Stop holding
Don’t wait too long your face is sown
Your fears won’t fail and new ones will show
Only steps you take will help you to grow
And when I hope, I hope I’m home
I’ll step inside and I’ll feel grown
If only
Don’t wait for safe just fall inside
And wisely forgetting to take
That treasured stain you’ve always relied
I wonder what you’ll show