Josie’s Past

[Shayna Dunkelman]
Diary . . .                                                                              December 14, 1986

I dreamed about BOB last night. Not a real nice dream at all, a little sick in my opinion because I have so much hatred for the way he spoiled me, made me feel ugly and bad for wanting love or affection. He ruined all of my pride and self-esteem for the longest time…I could only be pretty and sweet, because pretty and sweet was easy…good grades even better. No one wanted me…I wouldn’t even let on that I knew what sex was

He did ruin me, didn’t he? I mean, in the dream he came to the window at Leo’s and saw me. It was a nastier scene in the dream than it was last night in reality. He kept showing this image of me again and again

And then he was standing by the tree and he said, YOU WOULDN’T HAVE BEEN ABLE TO DO ANY OF THAT IF IT WEREN’T FOR ME.

I told him he was wrong. I told him I learned all that he saw when I was alone, so that I could do something to make myself feel good and be able to heal the wounds that he made

He said, ”OH YEAH, THEN WHY DO YOU WANT LEO TO TIE YOU UP, MAYBE EAT YOU THAT WAY, MAKE YOU A SLAVE…I KNOW YOU WANT IT…JUST THE WAY I TAUGHT YOU, LITTLE BITCH. I SAW YOU WITH THE WAND, PLAYING WITH YOURSELF…YOU WERE THINKING OF BAD BOY LEO, NOT BOBBY LITTLE BOY WHO WEEPS AFTER HE GETS FUCKED BY A LITTLE SLUT LIKE YOU”

And I woke up. Ashamed. Horrified. Guilty. And I imagined him suddenly, right before me at the edge of my bed

YOU FORGOT, LAURA, I KNOW EVERYTHING, SEE EVERYTHING, GO ANYWHERE I WANT…I COULD TELL YOU MORE ABOUT WHAT YOU THINK ARE SECRETS THAN YOU COULD TELL YOURSELF! YOU LET YOUR GUARD DOWN, DIDN’T YOU, LET ME HAVE A NICE VACATION FROM THAT STENCH OF YOURS…THEN YOU HAD TO CALL ME BACK… RANCID LITTLE BITCH! YOU’RE PRETTY MEAN TO ME SOMETIMES WHEN YOU WRITE, AREN’T YOU! WE’LL HAVE TO FIX THAT. MAKE YOU LOVE ME LIKE YOU USED TO. I REMEMBER THAT… SOON YOU WILL TOO

And then he disappeared. I need to do something that is right and good, TODAY!

Who in the fuck is he and why does he hate me so much?

I want to die, and to forget everything else. I can’t take it anymore! I begin to feel good and then someone makes me feel that I’m dirty. Then someone kisses me just right and I feel wanted and excited all over again

I need to know if what I’m doing is right. I can’t let BOB be the one who taught me to wish to be tied up sometimes

I don’t ever want to be hurt. I never have. I only want to play the games where I have to say dirty things sometimes, not mean things like BOB thinks, and if I am punished I am punished with sex, not pain

BOB is not who puts these ideas in my head. I won’t let him be the one. These are my private thoughts. I’m afraid I’ll never make it in and out of another sexual experience, ever, without being afraid he will come and tell everyone lies about me

If someone who loves me reads this years from now, please try not to hate me. I only feel the way I feel. I don’t hurt anyone else, and I don’t want to. I try every day to be better and more the way I think the world wants to see a girl like me

But I am Laura. I am sad. God, I’m sad again! Why! I miss laughter and a day where time is spent with my friends who don’t care what I think of late at night. They don’t hate me for sometimes dreaming late at night, with my hand buried between my legs, ashamed, and of how I wish that my other hand would simply pull the trigger

BOB, I forbid you to come to me ever again, in dreams or in reality. You are not welcome! I HATE YOU

I feel so alone, Laura

[Jamie Stewart]
Oh! Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?
If it sounds queer and funny to your ear, a little bit jumbled and jivey
Well then, "Mares eat oats and does eat oats and little lambs eat ivy!"
Oh! Mairzy doats and dozy doats and liddle lamzy divey
A kiddley divey too, wouldn't you?