Jesus Was Way Cool (Millennium Edition)

(spoken)
Jesus was way cool. Everybody loved Jesus. Everybody wanted to hang out with him. Anything he wanted to do, he would just do. He turned water into wine, and if he had wanted to, he could have turned oregano into marijuana, or sugar into cocaine, or vitamin pills into amphetamines. Or, he could have just looked you in the eye, and you would instantly be automatically be tripping. He walked on the water and swam on the land. He would tell these stories, and people would listen. If you were blind, or lame, you just went up to — well, actually, if you were lame, Jesus would go up to you, and he would put his hands on you, and you would be healed. That's so cool

He could have played guitar better than Hendrix. He could have told the future. He could have baked the most delicious cake in the world. Jesus could have scored more goals than Wayne Greztky. He could have danced better than Baryshnikov. Jesus could have been funnier than any comedian you could ever think of. He told people to eat his body and drink his blood. That's totally hardcore! But then some people got jealous of how cool he was, so they killed him. But then he rose from the dead! He rose from the dead, did a little dance, and went up to heaven. I mean, that is so cool. Jesus was way cool. No wonder there are so many Christians