J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin

[Intro]
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY
GEORGE R.R. MARTIN!
VERSUS!
J.R.R. TOLKIEN!
BEGIN!

[George R. R. Martin]
Brace yourself!
Gather up your trolls and your soldier Elves!
And your Ents and your Orcs and your Wargs and your Stings
Your Dwarves and Glamdrings, cause there's a new literary Lord in the Ring!
My readers fall in love with every character I've written
Then I kill 'em (Aaaahhhh!) They're like 'No! He didn't!'
All your bad guys die, and your good guys survive!
We can tell what's gonna happen by page and age five!
Tell your all-seeing eye to find some sex in your movies (Yeah)
Ditch the Goonie, and cast a couple boobies!
There’s edgier plots in that David the Gnome
Your Hobbit-hole heroes can’t handle my throne

[J.R.R. Tolkien]
Kings, queens, dragons, dwarves
Horses, fortresses, magic and swords
You Hob-bit my whole shit, you uninspired hack
You want a war, George? Welcome to Shire-raq!
In book sales you’ve got nothing to say
I’m number one and two, you’re under Fifty Shades of Grey
I’ve got the prose of a pro, your shit’s subpar
You’re a pirate, you even stole my "R.R."
Oh, we all know the world is full of chance and anarchy
So yes, it’s true-to-life for characters to die randomly
But news flash, the genre’s called fantasy
It’s meant to be unrealistic, you myopic manatee

[George R.R. Martin]
I conscientiously object to what you’re doing on these beats
I’ll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast
You went too deep, Professor Tweed Pants
We don’t need the backstory on every fucking tree branch

[J.R.R. Tolkien]
I cut my teeth in the trenches of the Somme
You LARPed your Santa Claus ass through Vietnam
And it’s hard for me to take criticism on clothes
From a dude who sends a raven to say "Hi" to his toes

[George R. R. Martin]
Man, your fat jokes are worse than your pipe smoke
My show’s the hottest thing on H-B-O!
I’m rock and roll, you’re a nerdy little nebbish
And I may be dirty, but you got a hairy foot fetish, dawg
Even the names of your characters suck
You got Boffers and Bofurs and Brandybucks
I got a second breakfast for all them goofy fucks
Lift up my gut and tea-Baggins my nuts

[J.R.R. Tolkien]
C. S. Lewis and I were just discussing
How you and Jon Snow... both know nothing!
Because the backstory of my box office is billions
Got my children making millions off my Silmarillions
And I’m more rock and roll than you’ve ever been
Don’t believe me? Ask Led Zeppelin
You can’t reach this Fellow, shit, I’m Two Towering
(Ooh) Every time I battle, it’s Return of the King

[Outro]
WHO WON?
WHO’S NEXT?
YOU DECIDE!
EPIC RAP BATTLES OF HISTORY!