Interview: An 11 Year Old Girl from the Ukraine Emailed These This Year, All Year

What kind of makeup do you like?
To, to look at? I guess, uncreatively, really bright red lipstick
And to wear, just a little mascara

Do you think gross food is funny?
I don't think food is funny at all, and I'm really easily grossed out by food
Especially kind of tangy, creamy foods like ranch dressing or mayonnaise

How should I kill my teacher?
Um, you should light a book on fire and beat your teacher with the flaming tome
I guess it would have to be sort of a big book though
I mean, to qualify as a tome, of course, and then also, I imagine you'd have to hit your teacher a, a bunch of times with the book for the, in order for them to die
Even if it's on fire

Why should you like it when people talk to you on the street?
I guess, you shouldn't at all
I can't think of any reason why you should

Why do people think I am mean?
Well, I would guess I'm the wrong person to ask
I mean, if you want a real answer you should ask your priest I suppose

Should I have a baby now, or when I get out of the army?
Ahh
This is obnoxious 'cause I'm not answering the question, but I guess you should have it while you're in the army

How old were you when you did something really bad?
The first really bad thing that I can think of doing, I mean that's actually bad, I mean not just mischief, but actually sorta, actually cruel I guess would be I was twelve

How much do you weigh and how tall are you?
I don't, I haven't weighed myself in a while
The last time I weighed myself I was a hundred-and-sixty pounds but I've been exercising a lot and just by looking at myself in the mirror I seem to have lost weight, so I'm gonna guess one-fifty-five
And I think I'm five nine? Or there abouts
Five feet nine inches, not five centimeters and nine millimeters

Who was your mom?
Princess Grace of Monaco

Will you buy me a knife?
My grandpa bought me a knife, and I used to wear it on my belt all the time when I was about eight or nine
I guess if you wear it on your belt, I'll buy one, buy you one
But I, I think if you keep it in your pocket and hide it then I think that just leads to problems
But I think if you have it out in the open then no one will mess with you anyway, so you won't need to pull it out, I suppose
No one ever messed with me when I was eight, thankfully
But if they did I guess I would have had to pull out my knife and stabbed them
Then I would have been in a psychiatric ward probably still
Maybe not though
Maybe I, oh my gosh
I'm just thinking of the blood pouring out

What part of your body do you hate the most?
Probably the skin on the back of my arm and the skin on my thighs
I have folliculitis? Folliculitis, so I have little bumps all over 'em
It's really ugly, I've had it since I was a kid
Probably that

Do you ever wear women's clothes?
I can't pull it off anymore
When I was younger I was a, a little cuter, but I think I look too mannish now
And I'm, I think I'm too vain to risk it
Uh, I think the whole point of me wearing women's clothes initially was to sort of feel more like a woman, but I think also just to experiment with feeling beautiful
But I don't really feel beautiful anymore, so not anymore

What song do you wish you wrote?
"Inbetween Days" by The Cure

Why didn't you email me back when you told me you would?
'Cause you sort of freak me out

When are you gonna visit me?
I think if I visit you then I will probably risk going to jail
So, I think in all honesty I don't think I'll ever visit you

What should I do with my grandpa's dead horse?
Oh...
Um, Rob Fisk, who is one of my big musical heroes uh, lives in Alaska and told me that some of the people in the township where he lived um, put a dead horse out into uh, somebody's front yard and let all of the neighborhood dogs eat it

Should I give all my money to my sister so she can buy me wine?
I'm sort of caught between feeling paternalistic and not wanting to seem like an uptight square
But I am kind of an uptight square and I do feel paternalistic
So, I guess I have to rebel against my gut reaction and say yes

When I die, what are you gonna do with my dead body?
Eh, well I guess if the dogs are not full...

Should I encourage my friends to quit school?
This falls under the paternalistic umbrella again, so I guess I have to say yes

Do you want to die by braiding your body into the strings of my church piano?
I suppose I don't have any choice, but, but to do exactly that

Can you see the bones inside your friends' hands and feet?
Um, I can see the veins

If you were sitting in feces, would anyone love you?
Some people would love me more, but I guess the one person who I really want to have love me probably I think would love me enough to hose me down until I was in a state in which I was lovable again
But I suppose prior to the hose, no

Why did Penthouse move from being a hardcore porn mag to softcore?
I think it was the war in Iraq
They wanted to seem more American

Do you have to sing to your mom to help her sleep?
I really try to avoid discussing anything that I ever sing about with my mom at all times

Do you have to leave town to find love that won't hurt your feelings?
I did

Can you find the spice online that will make something good to eat? That will make me something good to eat?
I think you're probably capable of doing that yourself
I'm not very good at online
You already complained about my online habits anyway, why are you asking me to do anything online?

Can you use a whip to control a cat and make it run to the left and to the right?
I, I have found it to be true generally

Why are you so stupid? Why don't you talk at parties?
Because I'm stupid, I don't have anything to say, I don't have anything to say

When will you, when will your children walk in extreme darkness?
Um, probably not long after understanding who their father is

Are the only women you, are the only women you like your mom's friends?
I don't, I don't think I know any of my mom's friends

Is your brain irritated? If someone hits you in the head will you die?
No, if someone hits me, if someone hits me in the head I'll just feel relieved

Do you wear black ladie—, do you wear black ladies' church hats when you go to church?
I, I, I don't wear women's clothes anymore. I'm not cute enough anymore

If I told you to stop playing with da doodoo would you stop?
You're, you're not the boss of me

If you threw a rock at a snake and it turned over in a sickening way and hissed at you and your sister, do you feel guilty?
Uh, it's a, there's nothing specific that I feel guilty about

Curtis Mayfield got hurt. Did you do it?
I don't have any plans to incriminate myself

Can I call you?
I think that that's a terrible idea, and also sort of alluring in a just doing the wrong thing kind of way
I'm not gonna give you an answer

What have you got to lose now that you know what he looks like?
Uh, I finally have something to lose
I guess now that I know, I finally have something to lose

Thank you
Thank you