Internet Sucks

Sometimes I wish I loved you
Sometimes I don’t know what to do

Sometimes I look back on our earliest love affairs:
I had so many hairs, and you were made of everyone everywhere
Or so I imagined! Actually, just a bunch of me-types
Typing into MUD games, geeking on the weeknights
Hunting drug recipe text files with a Gopher client
(You’re supposed to be studying, oh no, but you’re so defiant.)
It was giant Usenet porn, over the dialup
Over the rickety PBX which might go silent
Internet was precious to me, and it remains so
But it isn’t like in early days. The achy pains grow
Ever more insistent, they get inside my melon
They tell me pretty subtly (I mean, besides the yelling)
That I don’t love you any more, internet
You used to be a safe home for my nerd heart and my intellect
Now you’ve got so much hate that you’ve just got to interject
Now you’ve got too many chefs up in your kitchenette

Sometimes I wish I loved you
Sometimes I don’t know what to do

Sometimes I’m overjoyed this thing got democratized
Anybody with a pocket phone can lend a voice against those who talk the lies
Don’t need to know how the packets work or any server’s status
Just click the big user-friendly button that fills my heart with gladness
And stop pressing the one that posts your unrelenting wackness
Yeah, I know how to mute and unfriend (even got some practice)
But how exactly is one supposed to mute the fact that a tenth of our netizens
When offered the chance to shit on anything pull down pants without hesitance
Without any sense of justice, pathos, kindness, or decency?
Now having to listen to assholes is half of what online means to me
And it seems to be this isn’t brand new. Some people have always sucked
More trolls per capita, probably: 1989 CompuServe. But!
These days, it’s like all the worst people on earth formed a club
Just to light ugliness up and take one drag and proceed to stub
It out in my eye by way of my once-beloved internet
Could a solution lurk that hasn’t been discovered in it yet?