If Eminem Was English

[Intro: MC Hammersmith]
Ehm may I have your attention please
Will the English Slim Shady please stand up
English Slim Shady ehm
I'll just start

[Verse 1: MC Hammersmith]
His palms sweat and cry
Knees week, arms flex and sigh
The chunder on his jumper's getting dry
Mum's shepherd's pie, wrong song
Still make rappers manoeuvre
To eat dust 'til their red in the face: Henry Hoover
I've gotten bold claps for my solid gold raps
My flow is distinct like hot and cold taps
The fight is underway and it's time to bloody slay
'Cos my rhymes are even hotter than a slightly sunny day
I get high on Calpol instead of bottles of winе
Chugging on that purple like the Mеtropolitan line
My weed habit's robust, keeping stacks is a must
I conserve more green than the National Trust
Will Smith don't gotta cuss in his raps to sell records
Understandable I'll try and do it less
But rap today looks deranged so I wanna push for change
I'm seeing quality dip like the M&S houmous range
These rappers are diseases, no obvious talent
And I'm the natural remedy: Holland and Barret
As these rappers stumble we'll have a fat kerfuffle
I'm hot, English, sweet, hard and nice: apple crumble
Is it bad killing rappers with no look of remorse
That's hard to say like Worcestershire sauce
But I'm smashing the ceiling in the flat that they're sleeping in
I'll put a lid on them like a cat in a wheelie bin

[Chorus: MC Hammersmith]
I'm Slim Shady, I'm the English Slim Shady
And if you don't like the raps that I'm spitting then
I'm really sorry, sincerely I'm sorry
I'm sorry I don't know what to erm...
I'm really sorry

[Verse 2: MC Hammersmith]
Met your mum last night, on the sauce in the club
She had a large cup size like a Sports Direct mug
At twenty past three she made remarks she
Wanted more of my wad than the HMRC
My mind got stirred by this nice hot bird
She got me even harder than the Times crossword
The night we spanned without hygiene man
I heard her coming even louder than the ice cream man
The ladies love me 'cos when I rap for these vixens
They need me like traders need access to Dixons
They beam and exhale when my penis sets sail
'Cos I last even longer than the DFS sale
I'm a drinking driver, took a trip inside my Nissan Micra
On the M6 sipping tins of cider with Billie Piper
Picked up Kris Akabusi passing Shrewsbury
Then turned into a little chef like Ratatouille
Billie said ''Bloody Pub''
Hopped to Spoons for Curry Club
Kris chundered up his luncheon grub and yelled ''Stomach bug''
Confessed my motive for getting gently toasted
Thirsting for a cheeky half like Lembit Opik
Billie shouted ''Fucking sesh!''
'Cos she's such an utter ledge
Wanted to get high so I sucked a breath and huffed some Pledge
Dribble on his feet and legs
Kriss was hitting weed in dregs
No beef getting baked like a vegan Greggs
Billie screamed ''Let's kill a man''
I thought ''Flipping damn''
She clicked the cam on Instagram
And hit a pensioner with a van
Kriss said ''Sad confession, I've got a mad erection''
I turned and ran for dear life like Fenton

[Chorus: MC Hammersmith]
I'm Slim Shady, I'm the English Slim Shady
And if you don't like the raps that I'm spitting then
Look, I will write a very...er...carefully worded letter of apology

[Verse 3: MC Hammersmith]
My flow is so heavy and I'm spitting raw bars
You'll hear the waves I'm making on the Shipping Forecast
The pieces combine when I'm speaking a rhyme
I'll stop you in your tracks like leaves on the line
My lyrics are so enormous with wordplay
I had to map them out on the Ordnance Survey
I'm climbing this ladder with no slacking like the Chuckle Brothers
This motherfucker's known for shredding singles like bus conductors
I'm drinking blackberry squash, back in the loft
Frantically happy slapping a goth that was slagging me off
Impressing Carol Vorderman with the letters I'm re-orderin'
Getting incredible head from Dennis Waterman
In the middle of an M&S in Orphington
Squattin' on a Collie, sippin' voddy kissin' Hollie with my floppy in a johnny
Mr Blobby sniffin' Molly, with Showwaddywaddy
Smoking pot in a Saab with Dominic Raab
And Nicholas Soames getting considerably stoned
And sharing a blunt with Jeremy Hunt
Doing lines of coke with Michael Gove
Who was cutting a measurement
Plugging the kettle in
What an irrelevant glutenous specimen
Watching Ed Balls who was wrestlin'
Half of the cabinet, humping some venison
Stuck in a tenement, pumped with adrenaline
Comin' up on some ketamine and fucking a wellington

[Chorus: MC Hammersmith]
I'm Slim Shady, I'm the English Slim Shady
And if you don't like the raps that I'm spitting then
Quite honestly that's fair enough
It's er...it's not for everyone
I'm Slim Shady, I'm the English Slim Shady
And if you do like the raps that I'm spitting then
Then follow me MC Hammersmith on social media
Get it? 'Cos I'm from Hammersmith and...oh god

[Outro: MC Hammersmith]
Christ all that dancing
Absolutely knackered
Could murder a kebab
What are you looking at?(wanker)