Ice T’s Simulation Theory Rap

[Intro: Jeff B. Davis and Dan Harmon]
I'm gonna combine Rye Jerk's [?] question of when- when am I gonna drop a funky beat so that Dan starts making the show funky, with--
(You sure he didn't say funny?)
Funky!
(Okay! Aha ha ha ha)
Wit Joe Speilb-- With Joe Speilberger's question which is: "would you ask Dan to do Ice T explaining the 'Simulation?'"

(*Crowd cheers*)

And I believe uhh Zac McKeever back here our soundtrack genius extraordinaire has a beat by a-uh one of our loyal Harmenians, right? Harry Foster?

Let's drop that beat

(Sigh. Alright. Ice T explaining the Simulation... in a rap.)
Yeah
(Exhale. Boy.)

[Verse 1]
Yo
Right about now
It's time to get serious
Not that I'm never not serious (Yeah)
Well there's a thing called the Simulation
And you can't see it when you're standing in one place, son
Because it's all around
And the sound of my voice is being simulated
So fuck you
Simulation in your ass
Yo (*giggle*)
A simulation in your ass-hole

[Verse 2]
There once was a boy named... John
Sitting on the... front lawn
Selling crack, rolling like that
I wanna fuck your momma's pussy so hard she had a heart attack
(*Crowd cheers*)
Yo, I fucked her back
Yo, I gotta come down from that
I was kinda surprised by my own flow
Fucking... freaked me out, you know?
Back to the simulation
And not much rhymes with that but nation
But I'm not gonna sound like Ice T when I rhyme
And when I rhyme... I don't sound like Ice T that much
And when I sound like Ice T
I don't really rhyme well... See?
But I didn't sound like Ice T since the beginning of this rap, but...
Okay. It's not personal, it's business
It's not personal, it's business
That's my... not gonna do it for Ice T
Brings me back to the impression lickity split, see?
Okay! Simulation
Not personal. Not gonna do it, nation
Simulation. Ice T nation
The simulation is causing fascination (Why?)
Is it the Matrix? Are we a battery?
Well that concept don't work thermonuclearly
(*Crowd cheers*) (Ooh!)
Yo! You gotta take it to the spot
Fuck yo momma so hard she got hot
I made her friction - now that makes a charge!
I fucked your momma... ooh like uh my name was El DeBarge

[Bridge: Rob Schrab ft. Adam Goldberg]
Jeff: It's time for the Rob Schrab Rihanna hook. Rob? Can you sing the hook?

Simulatioooooon
Simulatioooooon (It's not real, it's not not not-not real)
Simulatioooooon (It's all in your head, and your head is someone else's head)
In your asshooooooole
In your asshooooooole (The second Matrix was uh-underappreciated)
Simulatiooon

[Verse 3]
Press pause: go to Jaws
I tell your momma she looks like Santa Claus
Going up a chimney up onto the roof, uhh
I fucked your momma so hard I woulda looked like Doctor Ruth
I'm an expert in sexuality
I'm simulating everything it's not reality
I eat her pussy so good it ain't real
It's a simulation that's how she feels
She comes (*crowd laughs*) TOO HARD to make it life
I fucked your momma sh-sharp as a knife
But the... eugh. Don't mix those images
That's some Se7en shit
I love the ladies I love the street (Simulatioooooon)
I love the hotdogs made with all kinds of meat
That's simulation, and it tastes good!
So, if you had a simulation wouldn't you dood... it? PFFfff!
(*Dan and the audience both burst into a fit of laughter*)
Skateboards... are fun
Ice cream
Television
Dinosaur stories
Everything about this world is great
From plate to plate
You gotta go across the nation and there's nothing to hate
Cus I -- I'm having good times and swimming in pools
If there was a simulation it would have Three Rules:
Rule number one: Love Ice T
Rule number two: It's all about me
Rule number three: I made your momma pee
I fucked her so hard, she can't even see!
(*The crowd cheers and laughs loudly*)
Yo! She got cock-eye!

[Outro: Jeff B. Davis and **Rob Corddry**]
(*The crowd gives a standing ovation. Dan allows himself to succumb to laughter*)
**Ohhh! Three rules! Three rules!**
Best rap ever! (**Hoooly shit!**)
That was the best one ever! (**Woooo!**)
That was without a doubt (**You guys!**)
Without a doubt--
**Holy shit! I'm so glad we're all here right now**
Please tell me we were recording!
I started the show saying that you were bad at rap and good at rock n' roll, no tonight you were good at everything!
(*Crowd cheers*)
Is anybody here... did anybody bring a cello?

Can we get a little uh, side-assist for Zac McKeever laying down the beat from our friend (*checks notes*) Harry Forrester! And also-- (*interrupted by crowd cheering for Harry Forrester and his fat beats*) He- he was mixing with you live and doing like the (well that's) like the live tassets

(Dan gets on mic for a sec)
Well that's the thing I was gonna say is that like... Zac... Zac-Zac drops the audio on the rhyme ver- on the rhymed beats (Yeah)
And that's like the equivalent of like, that's like the makeup airbrushing of, like... (*crowd chuckles*) You know, that's- that's a big deal. Like... That's like the... that's like foundation... (But!) (*Dan gestures to his face*) of... (But you were... But, it was...)

But you both knew it was going to happen at the same time, and there was a couple of rhymes in there that I think... are gonna last for a while. (*Crowd laughs*)

**There was a... There was a lot going in that.**

Umm. I'd like to give special mention to the El DeBarge reference
(*All laugh, the crowd hollers*)
Because Dan's references like mine are frozen, like before eighty-nine?

**Wait wait wait! What were-- What were Ice T's rules?**
(*Dan laughs as they all start counting on their fingers*)

Love Ice T, rule number two: it's all about me. Rule number three, I made your momma pee, I fucked her so hard, yo momma can't see

(*The crowd erupts again into hooting and applause. One guy in the back goes, "Daaaaaaaamn!"*")

**Ohhh my god. I kinda wish I wasn't here right now! I wish I wasn't here! I wanna be listening in my lonely Miami apartment, shooting that weird show! Goin-- All alone! In my underwear! And I-- I jump up cheering!**
If you, if you had Wayne Brady on the show he would have jumped up like, "Sh--Oh fuck! I better get outta here!" (**Oh Wayne? Yeah, yeah!**) I would get outta here. That was really good