I Remember Sex

[Intro: Dame Edna Everage]
What are you thinking, Loudon?
You’ve got a far-away look in your eyes…

[Verse 1: Loudon Wainwright III & Dame Edna Everage]
I remember sex
That thing we used to do
Where you’d lay down, and, usually
I’d lie on top of you
Sometimes, I’d lie on top of you
We tried that out a bit
But it didn’t work as well
I guess something just didn’t fit!

[Verse 2: Loudon Wainwright III & Dame Edna Everage]
I remember sex
We had it at night
A few times in the morning
Or after we would fight, oh!
And on special occasions
When we’d had too much to drink
Once in a Morris Minor
A convertible, I think!

[Verse 3: Loudon Wainwright III, Dame Edna Everage, & Both]
I remember sex
It was such a big deal
That we’d worry where it would come from
Much more than our next meal
And we were always hungry
Often, we overate
And it was up and down
And back and forth and hurry up and wait

[Verse 4: Loudon Wainwright III & Dame Edna Everage]
I remember sex
And when we went to bed
Sometimes, we didn’t sleep at all
We just had sex instead
And having it was heavenly
Not getting it, pure hell
And it was either great or bad
Few did it merely well

[Verse 5: Loudon Wainwright III, Dame Edna Everage, & Both]
I remember sex
And how it made us feel
Completely realistic
Yet totally surreal
A thing that we all talked about
And all that we thought of
The distant crazy cousin
To that scary thing called love

[Verse 6: Loudon Wainwright III, Dame Edna Everage, & Both]
I remember sex
I started on my own
When you and I stopped having it
I tried it on the phone
But that was so expensive
And sex is just a crutch
And since we kicked the habit
We don’t think about it much

[Verse 7: Loudon Wainwright III & Dame Edna Everage, & Both]
But… I remember sex
It was something that we did
And we always used to worry... Ha!
That we’d end up with a kid
Then we’d have to get rid of it
Or else, we’d have to wed
These days sex can kill you, kids, so
Stay awake in bed!

[Outro: Dame Edna Everage]
Oh, Loudon, what memories…